Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Life for now

It's so different! On Monday we just realized I front squatted my body weight for a three rep max twice! The day before I hit two strict pull-ups and a few strict dips plus a clean & jerk complex at 45kgs. I had a baby 10weeks ago!
This makes me incredibly proud of the way I treat my body during what is actually a very difficult time for me and almost every other mum out there. One of the reasons I love CrossFit so much is that I literally have a whole community cheering for me, the same way I am elated whenever any single one of them achieves something. It is super encouraging and empowering.
There have been a few big changes going on in our business and personal life, we have added more yoga to our timetable and in doing this I have hired two teachers with the aim to hire a third. They are all lovely human beings that I feel lucky to have come across. The dreaded "winter drop off" and a stuff up by our debit company put us into a tail spin and sent us to some dark places, again wondering what the hell we are doing financially...why we are still working so damn hard for peanuts. I will admit it is HARD to stay positive about creating a successful business when you aren't a cnut (excuse my implied french...). No we won't rip people off or sell out, yes we will encourage health above any and all quick fixes. We recently saw an ex member fall into the god awful MLM's just so depressing. Eric said something rather profound; "the reason I can keep going is because I know that we will benefit every single person who comes into contact with us" we give them an opportunity to be their best self in an amazing community without judgement or fake promises. Sounds like a good reason to me ;)
Personally, I am getting braces next week...I can't really afford it, but I am quite insecure about my teeth, they have changed a lot due to overcrowding and while I used to love how my teeth were just a little bit interesting, I now don't like pictures of me/my teeth at all.
River is at a very interesting stage, often randomly displaying aggression like growling, and he's very possessive (that comes with the new baby and egocentric sister). I find him hard to relate to as he is such a little dude, loves superheroes and swords, but then I am fascinated by his imagination. Tonight before he fell asleep he said he wished that grass could turn into leaves in the wind so that we could throw grass into the air and then jump on the leaves. It's a cool age to be.
Raine tantrums all the time and is always SO loud. She can be the biggest shit stirrer ever but is the most hilarious little person I've ever seen. She is beautiful and so clever coming out with all kinds of conversation that you forget she's only just two years old. Toilet (un) training her has been challenging since Reef has come along.
More and more I have been finding myself "triggered" by the toddlers behaviour, they are both so loud and stubborn and at such intense ages that I feel frustrated, ignored and it often feels like they are so lovely to everyone else then can be really jerk-y to me and E. They don't listen which sometimes makes it hard to keep them safe, Raine will flat out refuse to go to the toilet and then wee in her pants just before I need to get everyone in the car, River will pull nasty faces at me or randomly scream out in the middle of us coaching, they will both demand for things all day and tantrum when they don't get their way. These are all perfectly normal and understandable toddler behaviours that to list seem inconsequential and minor...but it seems to trigger my anxiety, amplify my headache and stab an accusing finger at me to say I am failing. Because it is so hard to give your children all of your patience, then to also give your business the seeds of growth it needs, to attend to the learning that we must do daily to be fucking brilliant coaches, to keep the house clean, to see friends, to nurture your relationship, to plan a wedding, to aim higher still and start planning the direction of your life and chase larger goals and dreams. I feel so torn between my roles and wishing so desperately to succeed in them, that I neglect self care and compassion. Anxiety is truly crippling and often I feel trapped in my own search to be GREATER than I am, to get it together and just be happy in my achievements. To feel like I have achieved anything at all. Reef is so tiny still but growing just too fast and I wish I could stop time and keep him here, warm, milky, vulnerable and sweet, all mine. I am sad to think how much time has past since I held River the same way, I miss rubbing my swollen belly, full of life and purpose. This time in my life seems to move so fast that I often can't breathe.
So I am meditating more and finding small parts of myself again. I am more aware now of what it is that I need, even if it is still too hard to ask. I have been so scared of being selfish that I have neglected to look after myself and in doing so have put stress in our lives that we don't need. I am learning.

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