My latest self-development task is around being unattached to outcomes, having little expectations and desires about what people should be doing and staying positive that what is meant for me will find me.
It's important to continuously evolve as a person and truly be the person that you wish. At first, I've always rejected change, been fearful of it, played victim to it. It's going to be a long process but I think I'm able to handle it far better...the things I struggle with the most are friendships changing. I always feel like it's my fault if a relationship doesn't work out, yes I've been blamed a lot, but I think that is because I'm a little assertive and extremely open/trusting of people. The friendships I have forged since becoming a mother are those that have taught me the most about balance and having the right people around you. They have been the least superficial and the most equal of my life.
The mothers group I've been a part of since River was little has been the best example that friendships thrive when not only do you have things in common, but when mutual respect is clear.
The friendships that have stayed strong through my separation and that have occurred or been strengthened through the last year are those that have given me the most joy and shown me that I can and should still trust people but that I also do not need to take anyone else's shit on board. That I really need friendships based on common interests and values.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my dear friends death and I always find Australia Day just that little bit hard. It is hard that pretty much the only person I had in my corner at 18 is not here to see me kick butt...hard that I didn't let his advice and confidence in me sink in until later. Ben was the kind of friend I've always needed, someone who was ambitious and cheeky, always in trouble, did everything too much and fighting his demons, though always honest and passionate and loving. He protected me and did silly Pilates DVDs with me, he let me do his hair, he was kind to my family. Don't think I will ever be ok that he isn't here, that the time he's been gone is far longer than the time in which we were friends. Just that I miss him.
This pregnancy and the stage my kids are at have required a new degree of flexibility and understanding in my relationships. It warms my heart that my children have great role models around them each day, kind people who live contentiously and with purpose.
I've done a lot of work on letting go and am really able to see the best of the things in my past that could have destroyed me. I'm not bitter. There are plenty of things to still work on of course, adjusting to a totally different dynamic in my immediate family and then there is the pressure of financial strain. The business will always have obstacles too, but I don't think that is a bad thing. Eric and I are prepared to learn and to work hard. And I really don't feel like it will ever be as difficult as the last year was.
My prenatal and postnatal programs are nearly fully drafted and I'm confident that good things will come of them even as my life takes a different direction after babies.
So, onto this pregnancy...I'm almost in the third trimester which is rather thrilling, we can't wait to meet the little one!! At the same time I'm enjoying the fact that I don't have another one to chase just yet...
The weight gain is difficult and while I know it's so very different for everyone I seem to be carrying this little one all in my thighs and hips! So it makes me a tiny bit frustrated and cranky, makes me feel huge and cumbersome. If I miss a training session I can beat myself up a bit so I'm trying to practice more self love.
Already, I feel extremely "nesty" and the state of our house is killing me...I cannot wait to do our yard up (even though we rent) and set the study up as a real office & baby's space.
Breastfeeding Raine is challenging as my boobs are very sensitive and feeding is painful at the best of times. I'm also feeling very ready for voluptuous boobs again!!!!
Things that I'd like to bring into my life (apart from boobs) are a little team of people that can help with my new business idea, and I've been able to be more social, so I'd really enjoy for a positive peace wave through our house which would enable us to live a little more smoothly. I'm trying to clear out the garage and removing clutter will help immensely.
I'm breathing more, though definitely working on reacting more slowly to the kids, to stress and disappointment, to life in general. I'd like to be a bit more smooth myself...
In regards to getting hitched, I'd love to go north with a few amazing friends/family and celebrate new beginnings and strong foundations. By the way I have a wedding dress to sell...any takers??!
Anyways this blog is messy and all over the place....perhaps because I've been writing more in my journal?
Be happy, manifest the life you want...and plan your blogs before you waffle on! Xx