Monday, 26 January 2015

Defining the life you want

Through this process I have really refined what I want in my life and defined the things that I really don't. Drama & negativity can walk right out of my door...peace, respect and positivity can stay. 
My latest self-development task is around being unattached to outcomes, having little expectations and desires about what people should be doing and staying positive that what is meant for me will find me.
It's important to continuously evolve as a person and truly be the person that you wish. At first, I've always rejected change, been fearful of it, played victim to it. It's going to be a long process but I think I'm able to handle it far better...the things I struggle with the most are friendships changing. I always feel like it's my fault if a relationship doesn't work out, yes I've been blamed a lot, but I think that is because I'm a little assertive and extremely open/trusting of people. The friendships I have forged since becoming a mother are those that have taught me the most about balance and having the right people around you. They have been the least superficial and the most equal of my life. 
The mothers group I've been a part of since River was little has been the best example that friendships thrive when not only do you have things in common, but when mutual respect is clear.
The friendships that have stayed strong through my separation and that have occurred or been strengthened through the last year are those that have given me the most joy and shown me that I can and should still trust people but that I also do not need to take anyone else's shit on board. That I really need friendships based on common interests and values.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my dear friends death and I always find Australia Day just that little bit hard. It is hard that pretty much the only person I had in my corner at 18 is not here to see me kick butt...hard that I didn't let his advice and confidence in me sink in until later. Ben was the kind of friend I've always needed, someone who was ambitious and cheeky, always in trouble, did everything too much and fighting his demons, though always honest and passionate and loving. He protected me and did silly Pilates DVDs with me, he let me do his hair, he was kind to my family. Don't think I will ever be ok that he isn't here, that the time he's been gone is far longer than the time in which we were friends. Just that I miss him.
This pregnancy and the stage my kids are at have required a new degree of flexibility and understanding in my relationships. It warms my heart that my children have great role models around them each day, kind people who live contentiously and with purpose. 
I've done a lot of work on letting go and am really able to see the best of the things in my past that could have destroyed me. I'm not bitter. There are plenty of things to still work on of course, adjusting to a totally different dynamic in my immediate family and then there is the pressure of financial strain. The business will always have obstacles too, but I don't think that is a bad thing. Eric and I are prepared to learn and to work hard. And I really don't feel like it will ever be as difficult as the last year was.
My prenatal and postnatal programs are nearly fully drafted and I'm confident that good things will come of them even as my life takes a different direction after babies.
So, onto this pregnancy...I'm almost in the third trimester which is rather thrilling, we can't wait to meet the little one!! At the same time I'm enjoying the fact that I don't have another one to chase just yet...
The weight gain is difficult and while I know it's so very different for everyone I seem to be carrying this little one all in my thighs and hips! So it makes me a tiny bit frustrated and cranky, makes me feel huge and cumbersome. If I miss a training session I can beat myself up a bit so I'm trying to practice more self love. 
Already, I feel extremely "nesty" and the state of our house is killing me...I cannot wait to do our yard up (even though we rent) and set the study up as a real office & baby's space.
Breastfeeding Raine is challenging as my boobs are very sensitive and feeding is painful at the best of times. I'm also feeling very ready for voluptuous boobs again!!!!
Things that I'd like to bring into my life (apart from boobs) are a little team of people that can help with my new business idea, and I've been able to be more social, so I'd really enjoy for a positive peace wave through our house which would enable us to live a little more smoothly. I'm trying to clear out the garage and removing clutter will help immensely. 
I'm breathing more, though definitely working on reacting more slowly to the kids, to stress and disappointment, to life in general. I'd like to be a bit more smooth myself...
In regards to getting hitched, I'd love to go north with a few amazing friends/family and celebrate new beginnings and strong foundations. By the way I have a wedding dress to sell...any takers??!
Anyways this blog is messy and all over the place....perhaps because I've been writing more in my journal?
Be happy, manifest the life you want...and plan your blogs before you waffle on! Xx

Friday, 2 January 2015

2015 Begins

It's always nice to reflect on the year that has been. Make a note of your achievements, your mistakes, the joy, the sadness and the life. So what did I achieve? I managed to complete my Yoga teacher training in Byron Bay whilst tandem feeding River & Raine. Eric, Nick & I transformed the grubbiest factories into an amazing CrossFit & Yoga studio, we held a successful pre-sale which had twenty new athletes in our doors from day dot. CrossFit Croydon has grown from strength to strength with intelligent programming, low injury rate, high retention rate and has given me the opportunity to make some of our dearest friends. We moved home twice. There were months where we had actually no idea where our next meal was coming from or how we would pay bills...and the generosity of family and friends saw us through (huge thanks in particular to my sis, Alex, to Nick, and to my besty Will).
We kept our heads up and have managed to run a successful box, finishing the year with twenty more members than we left in 2013...our dreams of taking a wage are closer each day! We fell pregnant again and have kept things running as smoothly as possible without letting exhaustion tear us apart. Finally, on Christmas Day, Eric proposed to me! In particular I am excited to marry the person who lifts me up when I can't and who allows me to support him as he needs. Our relationship is remarkable, we live and work together and are both full time parents...we manage to respect and love each other despite some rather irritating flaws (our vastly different OCD, time and money management and my pregnant self!). The conclusion of 2014 was perfect, spent in the company of my like-minded gal pal Sarah and a group of her very entertaining and down to earth friends. We counted down to midnight and I was kissed by my man and shared hugs with many. I feel like the year has been a huge success both personally and professionally and I am looking forward to a more consistent 2015.
Anyway....time for my confessions...I've discovered that I actually DONT love cooking. Eric practically makes every meal for the family, and as he's admitted he doesn't really enjoy it either I decided to step up my game. Things I DO like making: smoothies, kitchari, ribollita, salad, curry, vegan sausage rolls....that's about it. I love eating very simple food...happy to chip away at a watermelon and snack on vegetable sticks and nuts. Things might be different when we have a larger kitchen, so I am glad that I manage to keep our tiny space  clean and clutter this, Baby Led Weaning had been our worst enemy!
Over half way through the pregnancy and I was shocked after new years to come back and see how big my tummy has grown! Today, I enjoyed a lovely homemade Bonsoy latte with coconut sugar for first breakfast, went to the box to run weightlifting & WOD with Eric sans children (my mum asked to babysit THANKYOU!!), ate watermelon with blueberries and a dash of lemon. Raine had her second feed of the day. We had a morning tea of organic sushi and rice paper rolls (I ate one sushi, bites of Rivs & half the rice roll) with a delicious kombutcha before heading down to the river with the dogs to see my beautiful friends Kylie & Isaac. Our dogs were becoming too hard to manage all together (4 dogs, 3 dominant & Marli the protector) so the swim was short but sweet. Raine had a big feed. Upon our return we ate pasta with tofu then Raine had a nap while Riv & I did some collaging and I made a "Manifestation Journal". Then I took Riv to my Aunts pool for a swim and we got supplies to make a hanging garden for Will's birthday tomorrow. We painted the cans we've been collecting and after a salad and nacho dinner, Eric put the kids to bed and I finished off the gift. Whilst I was outside & all grubby I did a little workout:
- weighted hamstring lifts
- banded squat walks with squats between
- strict press with DB
- attempted pistol squats but belly got in the way
- single leg DB deadlifts
Right now I'm enjoying a nice stretch whilst writing.
It's hard to say how much the kids have grown up...Raine came walking out of bed last night to ask for a glass of water. I'm amazed at them and completely baffled at the same time, they are very intense kids who love to play and ask a billion questions but who can throw a tantrum with the best of them. They love fiercely like their Mumma and feel things passionately too. I hope that River grows more calm like Nick and that Raine becomes more easy going like Eric. And I truly wonder what this little baby is going to be like, look like, sound will baby number three change the game?! 
Exciting things ahead.
I've also decided for the moment that I want to stop personal training after baby comes...I'm feeling like the industry is heading in a different direction than I am interested. I will instead be focusing on writing, my prenatal and postpartum programs, developing my yoga and increasing my knowledge as a CrossFit coach.
With love, excitement and blessings xxx