Sunday, 16 November 2014


I posted on my Instagram page a little story that a man said to Buddah "I want happiness" Buddah said if you remove the I - that's ego, and remove the want - that's desire, then you are left with HAPPINESS.
For me, sometimes I have spells where I am deeply unhappy. It is caused by stress mostly, about money, about the way some people behave, about things I have no control over, about feeling like I have no control in anything. Sometimes this unhappiness spreads and I find myself unhappy in myself, my past, the way I feel, even that I feel too much...and I start telling myself that I'm no good. This is a tiny snippet of what my life used to be like 24-7. I turned it around, and, not by myself (as I'm often reminded, thankyou William) but eventually I learned to stop spiraling down. Most of the time. 

My friends can often see when I'm starting to go into a funk, apparently I put up serious walls. I've always pushed people away when I need them the most, it's not a very good trait/habit. It gets very lonely.
But the upside to all of this...the reason I am blogging now. Is that there is always a choice or a chance to be happy. 

There is an option to show up no matter how shit you feel/look and listen to your friends. Then there is an option to be heard. There is an chance to say to the person that you love, hey I am really struggling and I need you to love me a little more fiercely right now. There is picture messages sent by a beautiful friend that inspire you to get out of bed and spring clean your room while your toddler sleeps, and do some damn yoga (Thanks Sarah!). There is cheap, delicious vegan food only a short drive away and beautiful dresses, even if your threenager seems ungrateful.
There is genius vegan cupcakes. There is tea.
While the hours it takes to get two vivacious children to sleep are rough and sometimes crushing adventures, there is snuggling and debriefing afterwards. There is breastfeeding pain free (finally) after a nursing strike. There is little nudges in my belly. There is a big and exciting day ahead with people that I call my tribe. There is life, or there isn't. And luckily for me, right now I get to choose.

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