The ugly...

Ok, one of the main things that I want to portray is that life is NOT a fairytale all of the time, that how we deal with situations that arise is what matters. Today I am not proud of my mothering...to be frank I was so angry at my child for being unsettled and unpleasant, so angry at myself for being a sleep deprived angry boots, SO frustrated that it is MY body that nourishes my child, MY attention that needs to be focused on him, MY stress level that affects him, MY body & mind that cook for him, clean for him, soothe him, and ME that shapes his world pretty much 24/7...I had had enough! Thankfully my sister soothed him to sleep after I had tried feeding & rocking him to no avail, although this in itself brought on tears " you fail as a peaceful mother" " you can't even soothe your own child" " now your sister thinks you are a bitch" and such thoughts raced through my mind. I am thankful that there have only been a handful of times when I have just been so fed up with being DS everything that I've needed reinforcements! It shames me that I am not always the loving, calm mother I aspire to be. So I ate a bunch of junk food, watched some Greys anatomy, and switched off for a few hours.
At home I trained two of my gorgeous clients before a late nap, a walk, a shop, scrumptious dinner, and bedtime routine. Asleep at last I began this blog only to be awoken less than an hour after bed...so rocking him didn't work so I screamed at my fiancé on the phone instead of repeatedly bashing my head into the wall...which I actually have done in the roughest stage of my parenting journey. Where is the humour in this? Where is the joy? What the Frick makes it all worth it? (Now that I've possibly scarred him for life by feeling so vile)...the smiles and the sounds of a contented babe, I guess. And well isn't Breastfeeding just a blessing and a curse?! When the milk starts flowing I'm far less likely to throw myself out the window...