Because it's easier to write

The past 5.5months of newborn amazing-ness have flown. Seriously, I'm on the toilet now and quickly jotting this down!

Today we got up and had pancakes (it's "YES" day) then walked up Stephenson Falls in Marysville, making it back in time for coffee and Open Gym. From there we visited the brewery to celebrate our wonderful mate Drew's birthday and Hunter's first beer (not really but it was his first brewery!).

Home to eat dinner and prepare for the full on week ahead.

Our family is experiencing a rough time health wise, I don't see my sister because she's working and my other sister is still OS with her hubby. 

I have found an abnormal lump in my breast and will know more tomorrow. I've only really told a few of my close friends but being the type of person I am, it feels good to get it out on here. Yes I am worried, it's been three weeks and gotten bigger.

I cannot believe that my last baby is almost half a year old...I am sad and in denial and very sarcastic about it all. But I am an Aunty to baby Hunter and to Danielle's baby Brock, to Tanya's second babe, Baby Charlie and when I meet little Kai G too :)

Anyway, I read this today and it made me sad...http://minismama.com/2015/10/19/to-my-husband-after-ive-had-babies/

Because my purpose in life is to make women feel fucking amazing. I believe that with the right support no woman should ever feel ashamed of her body after carrying babies. There is no reason why a woman can't LOVE her body before, during and after becoming a mother. This is coming from someone who detested the way they looked for as long as I can remember. Pregnancy with River changed me...I learnt how to let go of the need to look like someone else. It was a looooong road. It's a road I still walk, because even now when I feel under pressure or tired, even now my inner voice still tells me I'm fat. The change is, I can silence that voice now...I can move on from that word and eat nourishing food. And because I spend time loving my body by eating well and exercising, my body looks better than it did before having babies.

It is a day after I started writing this, and I feel I may be all over the place. Today was a huge day of working but I crushed my parenting and my coaching and I did pretty darn well with my business too. I also managed to sneak in some Bowen therapy...I believe they call that winning!

Now I am snuggled up with Reef, my gorgeous fiancé is rinsing nappies (how glamorous)...I also think he's watching the Fronning doco, the man can occasionally multi task!

Today was the best vibe in the gym. Made some training breakthroughs and got to see some epic lifting. 

Tomorrow I am teaching mums and baby yoga at Kula, which I love doing. Then I will be having family time with a little friend...bring on the coffee and the fun.

Wishing you all health and happiness xx

My ordinary day

5.30am Reef needed to be changed and decided not to settle despite being breastfed for two hours (at least). Eric decided to take him to the WOD so I could sleep.

7.25am E walks in the door with a coffee and smiling Reef. He starts on breakfast while I get ready. We pack food and children into the car, yes, we actually had to wake River & Raine up (this hasn't happened in a long while).

8am I take a gorgeous small group of yogis through the best start to the day, Eric wraps Reef and trains his fave client and my Besty brings warm coffee...I am now double parked and high on life.

9am we prepare to take Raine to dancing but she refuses to put on clothes and both her and Riv need some chill out time.

The toddlers and I do some yoga from beautiful book "I am Yoga" a birthday gift from my gorgeous girlfriend.

We complete a dinosaur puzzle together on the floor in between work calls and finance organizing. 

11am Eric heads out to our local organic grocer to stock up for the next few days. The two big kids play outside and Reef and I spend some time smiling at each other. I make cup of tea and attempt to read magazine.

12pm We start the lunch process (E usually cooks, while I am breastfeeding). E also got Reef down while I got some washing on and social media done.

1.15pm River is finally dressed and the boys head off to an indoor play center. Raine needs a nap.

2.20pm Raine finally falls asleep after we have played peek-a-boo and "fish and chips" for over an hour. She's also breastfed at least half that time and I've taken two work calls.

2.40pm boys get home, breastfeed Reef and drink coffee planning out our night.

3pm Eric ducks out to get a new shelf for his clothes.

4pm I take Raine in the Tula and Riv on his scooter while I walk Marli (our lab).

4.45pm feeding Reef and running around to get to work.

5.10pm leave for work

5.30pm Eric coaches while I join in the WOD, my dad is watching the toddlers at the gym with us, E has Reef wrapped...and yes he did a baby wearing muscle up...

6.30pm I head home with the kids to get bath and bedtime started. E runs our last class of the day. He will either run home or get a lift.

7.20pm Reef asleep, start feeding Raine to sleep.

8pm E helps me get the kids into bed.

9pm wake up in kids bed still, then eat cake in own bed

Stress about everything that didn't get done and debate getting up to do it all.

In the night

The breath becomes shallow 

The hands start slight shake

Another day ending, yet

You're still awake

Tiny mouth finding nourishment 

Tiny hands take their hold

Still so new and innocent

To shape and to mould

Your brothers smile, 

your sisters skin

Daddy's nose and

Your mummies chin

Milky warmth beside us

As we lay down tonight

Time moving quickly

As if I cant hold tight

While the days might stretch long

And the years pass with speed

One day growing older

We won't be such a need

Through tears and exhaustion

Every noise cuts so deep

Sometimes nowhere near here

Till I find a little sleep

Tell me what you do all day

Our culture still demands

Well I lived a bit and loved a lot

Though we didn't finish plans

The chaos tries to break me

There's no order and no rule 

Soften your heart I tell myself

Yet that heart can be so cruel

Parenthood is a rocky climb

Hard to see forrest from the tree

In sweet moments I am one of us

In hard times it is just me

On and on and on I go

Forever finding the track

I am bound to four beloved

And I could not turn back

So my littlest, newest love

Pray, baby boy just know

You made my heart expand so wide

That I could never let you go

The only way is up

Woke up feeling a very lucky chick. When you have baby blues and anxiety it is hard to drag yourself out of the fog. When you have feeding issues with your little one, it is very hard to feel good about yourself. Yesterday was massive in terms of work load, I got home at 7.45pm and wanted to just crash...but Reef and I had a bath and skin to skin time, he is SO cute and really enjoys the time with just mummy (no phone, no siblings, no pressure). He's been feeding so much at night because he can't/won't latch during the day. So I finished off the finances and fell asleep with my love, feeling grateful for the care I have found in friends and the same message spoken "it's ok Sares, you are enough, keep going". 

This morning I woke up with my three little bed bugs and just felt positive, as if something is starting to shift (not just my teeth!).

Starting this weekend I have so much to look forward to, a community inter box comp, family play dates throughout August, a girls trip to the land of Queens to try on my wedding dress (I am equal parts excited and terrified of leaving the toddlers...), and of course the beginning of warmer days. 

We are proactive about our finances, and new systems to help our CrossFit gym grow, we are actually able to THINK about our business flourishing rather than being so reactive all the time, and we are reaching out for new experiences and challenging ourselves all the time.

There is also the miracle that, despite the winter drop off and feeling hopeless that our business could ever grow, we are surviving.

Today, my fiancé got up and ran a class for our amazing community...there were PBs and smiles all around. And that keeps you going. 

So this is just my little message of gratitude and excitement in waking up with a smile for the first time in a long time.

Peace, homies x

Baby Reef's first bottle

Yesterday Reef basically refused to feed. Over the last few months he sometimes fights me so hard you'd think I was trying to feed him poison from a knife rather than offer him a breast and cuddle. Yesterday was probably the worst it has been and he was so cross with us for not understanding what he needed. I was so stressed and because I have been so stressed my milk supply is low ish...or lower than its ever been.

Quick re cap: I had a GIGANTIC supply after River's birth and ended up donating my milk through HM4HB to several babies in need, most went to little Max and that was amazing (he had a tongue and or lip tie). I fed River for seven months after Raine was born and only noticed a drop in my supply during pregnancy. We gently and firmly weaned him.

After Raines birth I donated milk to a few babes again, including one special client of my midwife, a little boy with Down's syndrome. Raine hurt me once at around 16months and flat out refused feeds for a week, I was devastated, but I think she just didn't want to hurt me and then carried on as normal. I noticed that my supply was less than with River after the first month.

Again during my pregnancy with Reef, my supply dropped and then with the tongue and lip tie issues, the stress of running a business, toddlers and also the emotional aspect of Reef being the last baby...I wouldn't be able to pump now if I tried. For about a week after my milk "came in" I was OVER being soaked with milk, my breasts hurt and not even Raine could handle the let down...now I've actually had to use some help from lactation cookies and I am looking into some other herbs to help. 

The woman at the organic grocer told me to avoid citrus fruits (she also told me that we were hurting Reef's ears because he wasn't warm enough), but I didn't want or ask her opinion. Honestly I just felt like crying and giving up. I was even thinking in my head to put my own cry for help on HM4HB. Twice we tried to feed Reef some expressed milk and again he just wouldn't latch properly or for long, his little mouth was red and he was unsettled when awake. I can see why people give up breastfeeding. I can see how it might be easier to bottle feed. If I didn't know better I might think that my milk supply is too low to support a baby. But I waited and had brilliant support through it from E & Reef's God mumma. Sure enough, over night he fed well. His nappies were wet and he started to poo again. He has a runny nose but seems well otherwise. 

So Mummas, trust your bodies and trust your babies and find some great support, support that is gentle and kind. Block out the lady at the grocery store. Silence the feeling of failure. You got this.

Life for now

It's so different! On Monday we just realized I front squatted my body weight for a three rep max twice! The day before I hit two strict pull-ups and a few strict dips plus a clean & jerk complex at 45kgs. I had a baby 10weeks ago!

This makes me incredibly proud of the way I treat my body during what is actually a very difficult time for me and almost every other mum out there. One of the reasons I love CrossFit so much is that I literally have a whole community cheering for me, the same way I am elated whenever any single one of them achieves something. It is super encouraging and empowering.

There have been a few big changes going on in our business and personal life, we have added more yoga to our timetable and in doing this I have hired two teachers with the aim to hire a third. They are all lovely human beings that I feel lucky to have come across. The dreaded "winter drop off" and a stuff up by our debit company put us into a tail spin and sent us to some dark places, again wondering what the hell we are doing financially...why we are still working so damn hard for peanuts. I will admit it is HARD to stay positive about creating a successful business when you aren't a cnut (excuse my implied french...). No we won't rip people off or sell out, yes we will encourage health above any and all quick fixes. We recently saw an ex member fall into the god awful MLM trap...it's just so depressing. Eric said something rather profound; "the reason I can keep going is because I know that we will benefit every single person who comes into contact with us" we give them an opportunity to be their best self in an amazing community without judgement or fake promises. Sounds like a good reason to me ;)

Personally, I am getting braces next week...I can't really afford it, but I am quite insecure about my teeth, they have changed a lot due to overcrowding and while I used to love how my teeth were just a little bit interesting, I now don't like pictures of me/my teeth at all.

River is at a very interesting stage, often randomly displaying aggression like growling, and he's very possessive (that comes with the new baby and egocentric sister). I find him hard to relate to as he is such a little dude, loves superheroes and swords, but then I am fascinated by his imagination. Tonight before he fell asleep he said he wished that grass could turn into leaves in the wind so that we could throw grass into the air and then jump on the leaves. It's a cool age to be.

Raine tantrums all the time and is always SO loud. She can be the biggest shit stirrer ever but is the most hilarious little person I've ever seen. She is beautiful and so clever coming out with all kinds of conversation that you forget she's only just two years old. Toilet (un) training her has been challenging since Reef has come along.

More and more I have been finding myself "triggered" by the toddlers behaviour, they are both so loud and stubborn and at such intense ages that I feel frustrated, ignored and it often feels like they are so lovely to everyone else then can be really jerk-y to me and E. They don't listen which sometimes makes it hard to keep them safe, Raine will flat out refuse to go to the toilet and then wee in her pants just before I need to get everyone in the car, River will pull nasty faces at me or randomly scream out in the middle of us coaching, they will both demand for things all day and tantrum when they don't get their way. These are all perfectly normal and understandable toddler behaviours that to list seem inconsequential and minor...but it seems to trigger my anxiety, amplify my headache and stab an accusing finger at me to say I am failing. Because it is so hard to give your children all of your patience, then to also give your business the seeds of growth it needs, to attend to the learning that we must do daily to be fucking brilliant coaches, to keep the house clean, to see friends, to nurture your relationship, to plan a wedding, to aim higher still and start planning the direction of your life and chase larger goals and dreams. I feel so torn between my roles and wishing so desperately to succeed in them, that I neglect self care and compassion. Anxiety is truly crippling and often I feel trapped in my own search to be GREATER than I am, to get it together and just be happy in my achievements. To feel like I have achieved anything at all. Reef is so tiny still but growing just too fast and I wish I could stop time and keep him here, warm, milky, vulnerable and sweet, all mine. I am sad to think how much time has past since I held River the same way, I miss rubbing my swollen belly, full of life and purpose. This time in my life seems to move so fast that I often can't breathe.

So I am meditating more and finding small parts of myself again. I am more aware now of what it is that I need, even if it is still too hard to ask. I have been so scared of being selfish that I have neglected to look after myself and in doing so have put stress in our lives that we don't need. I am learning.

End of the weeks musings

After a particularly hard time we have been able to better respond to the kids needs through this week. It was still challenging, exhausting and quite frankly I wish I could run away to Bali for a while. If we didn't run a business, I would!

This week I was gifted a jar of morning goodness (granola) and it was SO tasty, I attempted to make more. Not being a quantitative kind of person I was throwing ingredients in and had a few sticky fingers helping out. The result was a stunning breakfast that just had TOO much coconut oil!

Not rocket science:

Oats, shredded coconut, sunflower seeds, dates, almonds, walnuts, maple syrup, coconut oil, cinnamon, nutmeg & topped with strawbs. I will be asking my aunt to dehydrate some strawbs to add in to the toasted tastiness and then I can top with frozen blueberries & almond milk (though bonsoy also tastes amazing).

During the week I had a big set back with my writing and it was the first time I've had to address whether or not I am a good writer. In primary school I won awards, and in high school received commendation and encouragement from most teachers, I've written a journal since I was 8, and at university was often asked to be more scientific and less creative/argumentative in assignments. 

However, most of my blogging is anecdotal, personal and quite frivolous. I have written a few articles for small magazines/internet sites and they took a long time because I wanted to get my facts right...ie I researched gut microbia to write an article explaining why introducing formula/food too soon changes little babies bodies. I also enjoy the sport of screen shotting bad grammar and "inspirational" posts, sending them to a few like minded friends...

So I decided to try contributing to a wellness/sport blog. And my little article was shut down. It sucks, I felt like a failure and I started to beat myself up...funny how moments later I decided I was a fugly whale and needed to eat less sugar (don't worry, breastfeeding a toddler and newborn set my eating back on track...like, in the next minute).

And then I read this:

Well, you can only imagine how I'm going to turn my "failure" around. Thank you all for reading 😘

xxx

Winter Wellness

Here in Melbourne, it has already been winter weather for some time. With the cool days and colder nights we are over-exposed to air conditioning and ducted heating which can dry our skin, create dust in the air and bring more potential for illness. As a yogi, my research into Ayurveda suggests waking a little later than other times of the year and getting plenty of rest without over sleeping. While it might be nice to change our schedules to best support a healthy immune system through the colder months, most of us still must set our alarms or be woken by our little ones to start a similar routine year round. 

Our day starts at 5am, sometimes earlier. Eric is up to coach the first WOD at the "ice box” and at least one of our kids is awake at this time. The box is huge and unheated so these are our strategies to stay well through winter as an environmentally and health conscious family.

• We  try to keep warm with whole foods, lots of layered clothing  and activity rather than use the ducted heating, and when it is on we keep it to 16-17deg. This is a real pain when it comes to drying cloth nappies!

• When it isn't raining, outdoor activities help prevent cabin fever and mess, while giving us fresh air to breathe in and much needed vitamin D. 

• In winter we need to move from cold foods to those that are warmer, preventing dampness within our bodies as our digestion and energy output naturally slow. 

Each morning after we salute the (hidden) sun, we all drink lemon, apple cider vinegar and warm water. A bowl of oats with cinnamon and berries picked locally in season then frozen, with coconut milk or water. This breakfast ritual starts our digestion, warms us from the inside, balances our blood sugar and is of course delicious for the whole family.

In the evenings we eat hearty vegetable soups, curries and slow baked dishes adding anti-inflammatory turmeric, anti bacterial thyme and chili to spice and flavor local, organic root vegetables.

• For leaving the house pile on clothes, wearing long socks and oversized hoodies, and use yoga pants like thermal underwear.

• Training becomes slower and more strength based, warm ups take longer and interval training keeps our aerobic capacity in check.

• It is still important to nourish our largest organ through winter so after warm baths, coconut oil helps prevent dry and flaky skin. 

• We finish the day under blankets with warm tea, reading stories and cuddling before bed.

Winter doesn't have to be about hibernation, colds, flu and weight gain. There is the opportunity to be introspective and present without giving in to lethargy. It is a great time to set goals for the next half of the year, take stock of current achievements, and look super cute in a beanie.

Insecurities

This photo made me want to die. After about 4hrs sleep I carefully applied some tinted moisturizer, put on mascara and chose a cute outfit. My hair was shit but I didn't have time to brush it or do anything. See, I've had really bad anxiety all week about everything...meaning that I've bawled my eyes out for at least an hour every day. So my eyes and my face are puffy. And I've had not very much sleep partly due to the newborn, the toddlers, work and stress. 

I needed a photo to celebrate my first kill cliff (recovery drink) and instead my friend took this photo*. Eric looks hot and I look like a hot mess. I'm posting it here because I'm sick to death of people telling me how confident I AM, how LUCKY I am...

I had a baby 8weeks ago and I am still working SO hard. I don't look the way I want to, I want a tan, I want my teeth fixed, I wish I had time to have nice hair, I wish I could have some sleep so my eyes aren't so squinty.

What I really want is a hug and a million dollars, but I'd settle for someone telling me that I'm doing a great job. Because every mum should know they are doing a great job! The mums that work have it pretty darn hard, the mums that stay home have it pretty darn hard, the mums that do both have it really freaking hard. 

To all the pregnant mummas, I feel you when you struggle with your changing body...but it's ok.

So that is a photo of what I sometimes look like, no filters...it will change when I pose, my teeth get fixed and I lose the baby weight, but this is me...feel free to be you too.

Current CF stats:

- Snatch 33kg

- Back Squat 60kg

- Clean 45kg

- The Bear Complex 30kg

- still to scared to run more than 100m...

*Kellie, yes we're still friends ;)

 

Winter Solstice

Reef is seven weeks old! Seven whole weeks have sped by me and I will never again have a baby so small. He has had a rocky start with the tongue tie and the laser to release both ties, the week of unsettle and uncertainty and then the happy baby that has come through. He smiles every day now and it lights up my heart, he is also starting to grow too long for 0000 clothing. He wakes a few times in the night and is usually up from 4.30am, he sleeps well though and loves being swaddled, held and the natural rubber dummy can soothe him (which we didn't use for the other two).

Raine turns two in two weeks and is SO loud and independent, you cannot tell her anything she doesn't want to hear! She is spirited and full of energy, a nightmare to get to sleep and when she wakes is extremely upset if she can't be held or fed immediately. In the mornings this is super challenging as I will be settling Reef and she will barge in and demand to be fed with tears and tantrums a plenty. I remember that River did this (not as loudly) at the same age and when we had Raine, so I know it will pass soon. Raine also loves her dolls and drawing and her little handbag...she is such a dancer and very athletic despite being such a small ball of untamed energy. 

River is displaying very typical four year old behaviour. He is argumentative often, quite unreasonable in his "needs" and as a child that rarely tantrumed, can definitely and defiantly stamp his feet!

It is sometimes shocking and truly exhausting to parent a four year old. Possibly why they start kinder at this age? Haha. We are trying to parent with cuddles and kindness, though I know when I am having a bad day that I can yell when things get out of hand, this is something to work on daily because it makes us all just feel awful and is not how I want to parent at all.

Eric and I are in a new phase of our relationship, wondering what it would be like if we had dated properly or had any time to ourselves instead of having kids and running a business together. We keep saying that it will never be this hard again, and looking back to the startup of CrossFit Croydon when we were broke and miserable, clinging to a dream and hurt from our first venture not working out, we have definitely come a long way!

We may have more work to do now, but we always have food on the table. 

It is really hard to be everything we need to be and so we are learning to seperate our roles and define the time to be business owners, athletes and parents, the time will come when we can focus more on being partners too. 

I have been training a bit, seeing the Chiro, and generally feeling ok physically though yesterday I had my first Olympic lifting session and somehow managed to punch the bar and hurt my thumb! Snatched 33kg and power cleaned 45kg.

There is so much fear mongering around training post partum, but it is all a balance, my pelvic floor is activating well and with my core musculature, I feel strong and stable.

Mentally I'm feeling ok...quite anxious to be honest, a little baby blues and a lot like there's too much to do. Things that make me the most anxious are feeling torn between needing to do things and not wanting to miss out on every second with the kids. I'm learning to ask for help and accept help more...sometimes. 

Anyway The Mumma Movement will hopefully be live next week, a blog not quite as personal ;) and more collaborative. Hopefully today gets better with the sunshine and I can start the week on a high, feeling accomplished and ready for whatever life throws my way. I saluted the sun today, my own way of celebrating the winter solstice, a time of reflection, breath and grounding. We are naturally drawn indoors this time of the year and melbourne weather certainly encourages this, though as a sun lover I am usually a little more impatient and somber. 

Our household was unwell all last week and I feel thankful for a chance to welcome health.

 Love xx

The start of winter

It's been a month and two days since Reef arrived...and it has simply flown. My little squishy one has his tongue tie lasered tomorrow which I am apprehensive about but it will hopefully bring much needed relief for both of us. 

Feeding has been better in the last week, thrush cleared up too (I cut DOWN sugar...couldn't quite cut it out).

Trained in a WOD for the first time on Thursday night which ROCKED and did a 5km walk on Sunday. In between I've been stretching and stabalising though my thoracic and shoulder girdle have been killing me from breastfeeding (and feeding in pain). Speaking of, HUGE excitement: with Rivers fourth birthday, I also celebrated my fourth year of breastfeeding...for the past 1,460days I have fed at least one child every single day!

So I'm writing tonight because I had a really awful realization about the solo parenting at night...

Lately I've been trying to stay away from my phone and be super present with the kids, it goes so fast these precious first years, but I still find myself getting really frustrated and really angry about the kids not listening to me. You see, I believed a part of me not coping well with the toddler behaviour could have been due to the fact I do a lot of work on my smart phone and I really get swept away on social media platforms. But I don't think that is the issue...I think I am just maybe not that FUN. I don't like singing, or silly voices (except when reading), or splashing...I become anxious when things are messy and this is to the point where I will cry because the wooden birthday cake is not set up perfectly on its special plate...I feel like I spend a lot of time explaining what to do or what not to do and why. Then the worst part is that I take everything as a personal attack on me, I feel like Reef doesn't love me when/if he cries (rather than just acknowledging he has gas), I feel like River wants to hurt me if he does the opposite of what I'm asking (rather than remembering that sometimes he CANT listen and is overcome with an impulse to touch/do/say whatever it is)...and it hit me tonight when I asked Raine for the thousandth time not to jump on the bed, there was just no threats I could use to make her stop (she can't understand that she might fall or hurt herself), there was no bribe (she certainly didn't care if we read or not), there was nothing at all I could do except walk away or just accept it. Her jumping on the bed was not a reflection on me as a bad parent, she wasn't doing it to upset me...and so I did something I haven't really done before...I gave in. As much as it would have been awesome to start jumping with her and get Riv up to jump too, I just let her jump until she was done. And when both kids where slamming their heads into the pillows, laughing maniacally, I warned them that someone would get hurt (Riv missed and collided with the wall), but I gave in and then I soothed him when he was hurt.

As much as I have been a peaceful and attached parent, I still have much to learn and much to work on. Currently I am overwhelmed easily and know that I can be a bit too hard on the kids...especially because I feel like I NEED things to be perfect. So this is me, raw and honest (for a change), promising my beautiful kids we'll be having much more fun. It's not realistic to expect I can mimic Mary Poppins but I will definitely be trying to be softer and more lighthearted with everyone in my family, including myself.

Life with a newborn

At 6am this morning Raine came in to my room, I'd been feeding Reef since about 5. We did the toilet run and got back into bed for a feed, Raine on one side, Reef on the other (very painful side). River came in and I knew the day had officially begun.

What I wanted was to get up before the toddlers and do some yoga before having a shower. Instead, I got to diaphragm breathe whilst breastfeeding...thankfully I managed to settle Reef and was able to take Raine to the toilet again, pop the oven on and have a 30second shower with a very demanding audience.

Last night I prepared breakfast:

- sliced apples to cover the bottom of baking dish, water to cover them

- frozen raspberries on top

- covered in oats 

- sprinkled with cinnamon 

Which was easy to bake for 10mins and serve with coconut milk. Buckinis and chia seeds would have made an excellent topping however our budget has been tight since Bali & Reef's birth. 

Unfortunately I need to get my tax return done before I am eligible for government assistance (paid parental leave). This is most frustrating and another thing I feel anxious about.

Being a mum of three is like being on an island...while friends and family have been incredibly kind and supportive running after toddlers & a newborn is super rough especially when Eric is at work. It will be delightful to get some sort of social life back, especially to see my mother's group! We missed everyone's birthday parties this year :(

Reef is very calm and does sleep a lot, however he also feeds a lot and because of the tongue and lip tie, feeding is painful/exhausting/frustrating. The first two weeks after my milk came in was ridiculous...so much milk, engorgement, constantly leaking porn star boobs. Not even Raine could handle the volume and force of my let down. I haven't fed her much in the last few days as Reef and I have passed thrush back and forth and he has split my nipple. Tandem feeding is amazing but super hard work.

Today I had a client at 8.30am, trained a little at 9am and had another client at 10am. I wish I could crash out I'm so tired...its 1pm.

I am extremely proud that I got everyone dressed, fed and out the door with enough time to pick up coffees and get to the gym on time. 

Recovery is going well, training is focused on postural alignment, glute activation, pelvic & shoulder stability and healing the small separation of my abdominals (one finger now).

This pic is from this morning 18days post partum:

Being gentle with myself and just trying to make it through one day at a time. 

Post Baby Bliss

So, I've actually written Reef's birth story and feel super excited to share with you lots of things to come. 

This is 52 hours after giving birth that I am laying here, having just fed my little man in my gorgeous YoHome sheets that are just luxurious. I think I fell asleep around midnight. The hormones after having a baby are just such a natural high that I can't stop kissing or staring at him. There was a full moon tonight and I can feel lots of almost static energy in the air, I did not feel like I needed to do anything to cleanse or release. In the lead up to Reef being born I had physically cleansed the house and spiritually manifested the patience and gratitude I felt I needed for Reef to be born.

The time surrounding this birth has shown me that we have some amazing friends, there is so much food in our home at the moment that we are feeling super nourished and looked after. We even had some rest yesterday (Sunday) just daddy, mummy & newborn...

Today I was able to have a shower, do the dishes and put the washing on, however I may have accidentally mixed my whites in with the blacks, a major disaster! 

My recovery is much more gentle than with Raine and certainly Rivers birth, my pelvic floor feels strong and I've been diaphragm breathing to engage my stomach muscles. I was extremely lucky in that I had no swelling in my extremities during pregnancy or afterwards though I am feeling a little washed out. To prevent jaundice and because we were blessed with a ripper day, I sat outside in the sun with Reef and Marli in the morning. It recharged my batteries very much.

Tomorrow I have to do a little bit of catch up with paperwork and contacting members/debit success/bookings but Eric and I are enjoying the time not at work. We think it's great to have help from three wonderful coaches and look forward to balancing life with our FOUR babies, as our business is exactly like a toddler!

Reef has quite a tongue tie and while he is feeding without drama, my milk is coming in, so we shall see how he goes attaching to very swollen boobs in the morning.

Raine has just stumbled in from her room so I'm out to snuggle my babies

 xxx

Baby Reef arrives

Welcome Earthside baby boy!

3.7kgs of a healthy little man came dramatically into my arms at 11.30pm on Saturday 2nd May.

We'd been having "tightenings" regularly since 1/2pm in the afternoon but daddy & River were in Richmond at a comp watching one of our coaches perform amazingly! So Raine, baby and I waited for the boys to come home. Eric cooked us up a beautiful dinner of wraps, nachos and he had sneakily gotten mi goreng from Vege Bar. I followed that up with a vegan Mars bar and took Marli for a walk while the fam watched Thor & set up the birth pool. The half hour walk saw 11-12 contractions that I could walk through. Then I went to bed.

Eric got the kids down by 8.30pm (superdad) and came to rest with me. I'd been in contact with the midwives and told Juliana not to rush and we'd call with news. 

I looked up at a star, it felt like I'd be in labour for days (like with Riv), and I repeated "strong and powerful" Then within minutes I got the strangest feeling that my baby was trying to break my waters so I woke Eric to grab me a towel so that I didn't ruin my new bedsheets. I was actually a bit annoyed at him for trying to get rest, I felt he wasn't taking me seriously...turns out he just needed rest!

Well, the moment the towel was under me, my waters broke. It was very cool predicting it and I'm super amazed my sheets remain in good health. However, the contractions became extremely "strong and powerful" I was still able to talk and do things for about 15mins, telling Juliana to come and Siggy to make her way over....having a giggle with Kylie via text that I could still message. And then Raine woke up and my contractions went next level...I needed to get in that water. So Eric is filling the birth pool, trying to soothe Raine, trying to help me through contractions and calling our birth team to haul arse because it was so intense! He popped Raine on his back in the ergo and I don't really remember getting in but the water was good.

I was pretty scared, things were progressing much faster than I had visualised and I felt alone. Eric was working his butt off to fill the pool and  it cannot be easy to watch your partner lose it. The midwives arrived together and started to try calm my breathing down. There is something so honestly soothing and relieving about the gentle touch of a woman who cares for you. I have never experienced anything like it before but through both the birth of Raine and now Reef, the holding of hands or smoothing my face or even Juliana tying my hair up. The love expressed through touch is something that I clung to. 

Eric was kept busy filling the pool and getting things organised, I was in agony...it was really full on and it hurt! My time distortion happens here but I found myself pushing following each contraction and both midwives asking me to slow down. Juliana felt a cervical lip and actually had to help move it to get the little one's head through, this can happen when you start pushing before fully ready. Then as I was starting to grunt following contractions, Eric got into the pool. I'm quite sure Siggy was taking pics and helping with Raine and there was lots and lots going on...I didn't even say hello to her and was worried that I was so noisy! 

River woke up and came through the lounge, announced that he just needed to wee first and then came back to watch his little brother being born. Raine was a bit upset because I was so noisy but they both did a great job of witnessing their brothers birth.

Then Bubs head started crowning. I kept yelling "he's crowning oh my god it's crowning!" I was so shocked at how fast his head was there...Eric had his head in both hands but the cord was wrapped around his neck and the cord was short and I was actually resting his head on Eric's hands on the bottom of the birth pool. When the contraction ended his head felt like it started moving back up and that's when both Juliana and Helen told me to push and get that baby out now, I had to half stand (which I had visualised) and I was pushing with everything. But he wouldn't budge so in seconds Helen had freed him and his shoulders from me. Eric said it was amazing, the amount of water (amniotic fluid) that was behind his body everything came gushing out. Our little man was born blue as a smurf and yet I wasn't panicked. His heart was beating strong and Juliana spoke calmly to me about stimulating him while Helen gave him some much needed oxygen. It didn't take long for him to cry and breathe deeply and snuggle down. 

That damn short cord though was pulling the placenta (similar to with Raine) and I started to feel quite ill so when I had the next contraction Helen told me to push it out, which I did and the RELIEF was brilliant. 

The other thing people rarely prepare new mothers for is the after pain...your uterus keeps contracting...and it feels sickening. So I was lovingly dosed up on panadol and voltarin...which, for a person who doesn't take pharmaceuticals, was lovely.

I had no damage to my lady parts which surprised me but evening primrose oil and perineal massage did the trick. Therefore I could walk to the toilet with no dramas and felt even better than after Raine's birth.

Reef latched on like a champ while we were chilling on the couch.

It's now day nine!!! Reef is more than a whole week old. He has both a lip and tongue tie which will be lasered in about three weeks, it just makes feeding harder and can affect his teeth and/or speech development. He also has thrush now on his tongue which we will treat with some baby probiotics. 

I've been through an emotional week and survived. My mister testosterone almost 4 year old is working through some behavioural challenges, we've had a bit of help from Rivs God father & his beautiful girlfriend who have looked after the toddlers twice now so that Eric and I can bond with Reef/rest. Raine is mostly wonderful except when trying to put her to bed. We definitely need a new strategy because it took well over an hour to lay with her to get her to sleep. The other day when Nick had Riv, I got both Raine & Reef to sleep (Eric was training) and I literally felt like a goddess!! 

Eric had his first day back at work today and it wasn't too bad with the three kids but it also wasn't easy. I think it's hard without a break at all and would certainly be harder if Eric had a 9-5. However I've also taken 4 phone calls and Erics taken another 4 (we tag team)...and my new website is being constructed, I will be launching "the mumma movement" in the next few weeks, so it hasn't been quiet in my head!

After Rivers birth I barely slept...I cleaned as soon as I had a minute to myself. After Raine's birth I went back to work probably a little faster than I needed to. I think I've been a little more restful this time around, though mess gets me anxious and I'm still working from home. The hardest part has been that Eric took on so much prior to Reef's arrival and only had a week off (which was mostly spent managing the older two), and because we have a business and three babies our relationship is often not a priority and we don't get much time to hang out. In saying all of that, the super dad has been training and feeding us all and making sure we watch Netflix together when the kids are sleeping, he's empathetic about my constantly leaking boobs and compliments my changing body every day. He is beautiful, patient and fun with the kids, and the way he looks at Reef makes me swoon. 

So I suppose I should mention that recovery is going well, I went on a short walk today and otherwise have been diaphragm breathing, doing kegels and pelvic tilts. I've started doing "calf raises" or relevé (ballet) because it feels good and I make sure to get my legs up the wall and stretch my shoulders, neck and side body each day. Returning to gentle exercise is lovely and I'm glad my little belly is shrinking! I don't feel any pressure to start WODding again but may be itching for a barbell in about two weeks!

This was taken the day after Reefs birth:

And this yesterday:

I've lost all definition in my legs and arms and am eagerly awaiting headstand and handstands when ready. I will be participating in the Wunderlust yoga class this weekend and look forward to postpartum practice.

With much love and thanks for the well wishes and support - Sares xx

Truth about a "mum tum"

This pregnancy is taking its toll. Physically I'm feeling much better, baby is in the perfect anterior position, minimal abdominal seperation, Chiro really helped with pelvic pain. I'm experiencing lots of pre labour/Braxton hicks which I did through each pregnancy. It's sad to stop CrossFit but I'm walking, doing functional training and of course keeping up a daily yoga practice. About 2.30am last night I got up to stretch, my torso is so tight and really needs some loving.

So I was hoping that our baby would be here by today and due to the fact he/she is not, I booked in quite a bit of work this week to keep me occupied. 

I'm excited as most of my work is baby related, helping prepare others for their pregnancy, birth or fourth trimester.

I've felt a little let down since coming back from Bali with my class attendance, so I'm looking forward to a break and a big marketing push when I come back.

The biggest thing annoying me is that I see so many advertisements for mum and bub fitness groups that shame women's bodies...for example: 

"LOSE YOUR MUMMY TUMMY"

I'm sorry?? Who the HECK are you to say ANYTHING about my mum tum? Which, by the way is usually more a genetic predisposition to stretch marks and a factor of rapid weight gain and loss rather than something that should be mocked. A "mum tum" is also something that usually can't be fixed quickly IF at all...I will explain further down. And I'm not talking about Diastasis Recti/abdominal seperation.

These classes are also usually run by MEN or women who have NO kids!

The amount of women that come into CrossFit Mummas expecting to do sit ups and hold plank for an hour and smash a high intensity session with their poor kyphotic spine allowing fatigued shoulders to hang forward is overwhelming.

I am not about a quick fix, I am a highly experienced and qualified trainer (dare I say scientist!) who has used my own body to trial a fit and healthy pregnancy and recovered from each very well with small, sustainable and achievable results. I don't neglect my children to train, though the 30-60mins a day that can be required is often a real breather and empowering time for a new mum if she has a great support network and can have her child minded.

I am not a master chef, and while Eric makes some mean dishes we DONT eat the same thing every day or do huge  meal prep and sometimes we struggle to buy groceries and often have to borrow money to afford the organic food we choose to feed our family. I'm sure if we worked regular hours we might have to be more organised but our family is proof that you can eat a healthy vegan whole food diet on a budget and without spending hours in a kitchen at a time (or using 75 million plastic containers to store food in...plastic is baaaaad news people!)

Finally, I will never shame anyone for what they look like by using cheap emotive marketing. If you are unhappy with your body, you need to find out why. Because our bodies are a reflection of how we feel about and treat them. They carry our scars, our strength, our uniqueness, and our health. If we start to love them it will show. All bodies have the potential to be beautiful if we love them.

So in my time off I will be re-vamping my training and nutrition programs purely so I don't have to keep seeing males, clueless, overweight or unhealthy "trainers" bash women in their ads. And those that choose to train with me can know exactly what to expect...a balanced and sustainable approach to a loved, nourished, and well cared for body.

I wasn't going to continue personal training but I will for women having babies or recovering from them. 

So...back to the business of creating a cheese grater center after babies. Yes I believe it's possible. Not to gloat but I had more definition in my abdominals after having Riv and starting CrossFit than I did before. I've seen many women achieve a leaner physique after babies and I've seen it done both healthy and otherwise. Luckily I don't really get stretch marks on my tummy, the "ghastly" lines that plagued my teenage thighs took a hike when I started weight training which is LUCK but I also feel like I did my time ;)

But most women WILL get them from little white lines to huge purple scars, and it does not have much to do with anything. I do believe that the faster you gain and lose weight, the more pronounced they are. I do believe that dry brushing, coconut and jajoba oils, silica and exercise can keep them at bay. Even then, having babies close together or more than one can be a tipping point for some! Ok, so now we know that it's usually not our FAULT if we get a "mum tum" we read/hear that it is something TO BE RID OF. If I am over 30 and had kids at least a year ago I'm starting to feel shit about the way I look and determined to get a 6 pack...BUT it may not be possible at all. The elastin, collagen and other materials that form our skin don't always have the potential to recover, ESPECIALLY if you haven't looked after yourself during pregnancy or immediately after. So you may have the potential to lose weight and create a toned core but you may not be able to lose the excess skin on your belly and you may not be able to reduce the appearance of your stretch marks.

I hope this doesn't sound depressing, it just needs to be said! And you need to love your body REGARDLESS...who knows; that could even be the missing link between a hot bod and healthy mindset...LOVE.

Ok now I'm sounding a little sappy (damn hormones!). 

My solution is empowering women to be healthy and active when they are growing a child so that they can be healthy and active in the post partum period and for the rest of their life. It's not rocket science...it's not even exercise science (see what I did there?!)...it's just making a commitment to loving your body and changing the focus to what it can DO rather that what it looks like. If you carried and birthed a baby then you are a vessel of life and while it may have taken me to write this blog before I can start to accept the scar I do have...the scar that has always told me I failed Rivers birth (an emergency cesarean...major abdominal surgery...the most traumatic experience my body has had)...I want anyone reading this to know that they are gorgeous. Because I am not a "bitch" because I've had active pregnancies and good recoveries. And someone else shouldn't be ashamed that they had a different experience.

Whether you've had kids, whether you've lost weight, whether you've battled mental disorders or whether you've been the picture of health forever...we are all gorgeous and flawed and unique. Please don't let an advertisement make you feel like you need to change. And if you want to start loving yourself more, train hard and eat to nourish your body...then find a trainer that will help you, preferably one with experience.

With so much love xxx

Exercise in the last few weeks

Last week I became quite overwhelmed with pain in my pelvis. I am not one to complain and I generally have a high tolerance for pain. This though, has caused me to cry out several times and stop doing the things I normally would. It would have been great to keep training the way I was but I honestly can't. 

Haha.

So I reduced my training to 50-75 squats to parallel, clams in a supported side bridge & KB rows. I've also been doing yoga each day, teaching or participating or both. However, I am finding that when I stand for too long or sit for too long that the pain when moving is crippling.

After a rough week I made an appointment with a pelvic floor physical therapist who specializes in pregnancy. Unfortunately the stars didn't align and I had to cancel the $110 appointment. But the pain didn't subside. I slipped twice this week, once getting into the shower and once in trikonasana (triangle pose), both small movements that would normally be fine but with all of that beautiful relaxin coursing through my body, my pelvis didn't cope well.

So I booked in to see my trusted chiropractor who specialized in pre and postnatal health. After being adjusted my belly feels far better, the pain in my pelvis is gone (for now) and the pelvic girdle feels more stable. My Diastasis Recti seems to be quite bad (when it was fine just weeks ago) and the rectus (ab) attachments to my pelvis were inflamed and painful. Hip flexors are extremely tight because my outside hips (TFL) are not stabalising well and my glutes are probably not activating much if at all. So while I had a few moments of feeling rather blue, I've decided upon a game plan...and the exercises I will be doing including:

- diaphragm breathing

- modified clams

- wall sit (modified)

- parallel squats with band

- tva modified activation

I will also be focusing on the relaxation phase of pelvic floor contracting, preparing the birth canal and hopefully taking some pressure off my adductors. Optimal foetal positioning may me more challenging due to the abdominal separation so I am looking forward to a discussion with my midwives tomorrow and doing some baby mapping to see if Bubs is posterior or in a good position.

Today I'm starting taking vitamin c as I'm a little sick, more iron in preparation of the birth, EPO (evening primrose oil) to prepare the mucus membranes and this is in addition to raspberry leaf tea and B12.

Please send all of your good vibes to my belly that the bub comes very soon so this Mumma can have some rest and recovery. I have loved this pregnancy  but I am looking forward to skinny jeans, sleeping on my belly, enjoying a glass of wine and commencing my post partum fitness routine.

The hormonal roller coaster

It's 9pm, we've been up for 14hours and I think I've cried 75,000,52 times. Firstly, there was no coffee, then Raine wouldn't stop feeding and there was no heat pack for my sore freezing nipples, and we had to go to work with two extremely cranky kids. Weightlifting class totally crushed it but only 7 people turned up for the WOD which is a tenth of our membership (?) so I went to get groceries. Whilst I was in the health food store Raine decided to poo and I couldn't do anything until we got home. Then River came home with the most ginormous graze on his face that I've ever seen. It devastated me (seriously we were apart less than an hour!). And then Eric's gorgeous best mate layed the foundations for our deck! Following the roller coaster so far?!

My sister came over with soup whilst Raine was asleep and Riv was getting bored watching me sort the new babies' clothes, at least someone shared my enthusiasm for how well I've kept clothes from 4years ago (ashamedly, I love hand washing) and how teeny tiny the little people clothes are.

Then my mum popped in with some Easter drawing for the kids to do. 

Raine did another poo on the floor. My mum squeals like she's never seen a baby poo before haha...

The nappies got sorted, the list of things to pay/purchase is sorted, the kids Easter gifts are ready to be hidden for tomorrow's Easter hunt, 50 of my allocated squats have been done, the house is clean (despite another poo from Raine...can you tell EC is a frustrating process?!!), my emergency hospital bag is almost completely packed, kids watched Spider-Man movie while E and I managed Raine, dinner and sneaking each other chocolate, both darlings are now asleep and there's plenty more to do before tomorrow's "day off".

My pelvis feels like it's going to explode/fall out/break at any given moment and I've been quite grumpy that I haven't been able to train in a few weeks...I feel HUGE and it's hard not to tell myself how much of an ugly whale I am. 

My ex husband has moved in with his girlfriend and that in itself has caused a tidal wave of emotions in our house. It definitely hasn't happened the way I thought it would all peachy keen, a little tribe of parents that are friends. This is disappointing and hard to deal with at the moment so I am trying very very hard not to dwell on the negative but as a person that likes to talk things through I have found it most difficult. 

Tomorrow after a workout (hopefully) we will be seeing Nick for lunch and then E's family for dinner. 

Monday I am looking forward to a new chance to get stuck into our business before having this baby. I couldn't sleep last night with anxiety about everything we want to achieve this year...another great side effect of late pregnancy. So at least we have the rest of the year mapped out; comps, promotions, events and targets to hit. My side project is being planned to death and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in next week. 

It's also an emotional anniversary today, we have two birthdays this month where our special people aren't here. This is half motivating and half crippling.

Anyway, the lunar eclipse will be seen in a few hours and the clocks go back an hour as daylight savings ends. This is certainly not my favorite time of the year, especially after a weak summer (thanks Melbourne).

Apologies for the emotional and erratic blog post...with many thanks for reading.

 

Bali with babies

So we departed from Melbourne, as the weather began to change. We left in the afternoon and boarded the plane for Denpasar at 6.55pm. There were a few hitches in that it didnt look like we would be seated together at first, and then I assumed Riv would watch a movie then fall asleep and Raine would pass out in the ergo on Eric. We did sit together and while Eric walked Raine to sleep, I read to River and ALL BY HIMSELF he shifted, put the blanket on and fell asleep. It was amazing, after almost four years the kid can sleep! Raine was unfortunately woken by a screaming toddler and spent most of the flight cycling through each and every emotion possible...but thankfully was very quiet so did not disturb anyone else. Loz & Jake met us at the airport* and we stayed for a night in Denpasar. It was a rough 24hrs with the flight and the time difference and the over-tired toddlers...I found myself incredibly frustrated and snappy and unhappy. We ate a bunch of fried noodles and plain toast for breakfast then headed to Ubud to settle in. We didnt really leave our hotel too much as we had a private pool, free shuttle into town, little kitchenette and company in my sister and husband. We ate at 

• Alchemy
• Veggie Tables
• The Earth Cafe
• Swasti Eco Resort-Beloved Eath Cafe
• Soma
• another raw place on the same street as Soma

That was the only expensive part of our trip! We didnt shop or anything so we could spend maximum time relaxing. I managed two beautiful classes at Yoga Barn and a visit to the Monkey Forrest. Next time I would like to go to Nusa Lombongan, Seminyak for at least a day trip and to do a little more exploring.

Eric rode to Canggu to complete 15.5, the last of the Open workouts, with S2S CrossFit but I felt like the heat would have killed me if I attempted to travel that far and do the workout. 

So...my top tips for travelling with toddlers:

Do not travel outnumbered, make sure there are two hands for each child!

Catch planes at a convenient time for the child, if you dont think you can entertain your kids for 6hours then travel at night, if you dont think your kids will sleep then travel during the day.

Expect a day or two of ridiculous behaviour as kids adjust to a new time, a new culture and a new climate.

Pack food where ever you go! We had vegan healthy meals to eat in the airport each time and found that the kids slept well without a huge overdose on sugar...thats also why we stayed in Ubud as we knew we had access to vegan and organic food.

We had pencils and filled a huge notepad with drawing each day, we read chapters of The Faraway Tree, and despite having TOO much fun most days with Uncle Jake, River learnt to swim underwater and we just had to go with it.

Anyway... pregnancy is progressing, no one got sick whilst we were away, we are adjusting slowly to home life and excited for the month ahead.

Happy Easter x

The end of summer

Yesterday I did so much good for myself!

We ran an epic 2hr CrossFit class for 15.2, it was seriously a very cool morning with the kids being awesome and our friends and members just being super supportive of everyone. Our box is really growing in all of the best ways imaginable! It's really hard when people leave still, especially those that could give it a red hot go! But you know, training is not for everybody all of the time, I just hope that a lifestyle of health is followed because of people's experience with us.

We hit our target of having 70 members in our birthday month and that is just so cool...there were so many months I said to Eric that I just couldn't see it happening...where growth was slow or classes small. My vision is to have every class booked out and we have so much going on behind the scenes to grow our little business and keep tweaking it until the desired outcomes are reached. 

The most wonderful thing overall is just being surrounded by like minded people. Those that live and breathe a healthy life, those that work hard, those that have HUGE dreams of making the world a better place. 

For our family to be so included in our friends lives is such a blessing. Because having kids changes so much. And especially having more than one. 

On Sunday we got to hang out with the ODIN performance training team which Eric has been a part of for a few months, again it was super cool to spend time with other people all striving to better themselves physically and mentally. Both Josh and Paris are super switched on dudes, it's exciting to be part of their journey because I know these men will achieve big things both in their seperate ventures and with the training team. As always I am really humbled by the CrossFit community, it's truly the only sport where you can be technically competing against someone and at the same time cheering for them with every fibre of your being! And I really have to say that CrossFit is the only sport I've ever been a part of that females tend to be super supportive of one another rather than judgemental. It's very cool.

On Sunday night I was feeling super wiped as we'd been at the gym since 8.30am and spent most of our day there so I was almost dreading Monday...and it turned out to be the best morning ever haha! We went out for brunch afterwards and we'll skip over the hangries and the screaming kids (very patient friends!!)...to Eric taking the kids to Healsville Sanctuary so that I could have some down time and clean the house uninterrupted. I ate a whole serving of organic corn chips to myself, drank a kombucha uninterrupted, danced around like a maniac, made magic multi purpose spray and cleaned the house from top to bottom. I read and relaxed for quite a bit, stretched out my sore muscles, did some admin work and felt super stress free. The house feels amazing. Safe to say we've hit the nesting phase...

I popped a hair treatment in, when the fam got home and we enjoyed a very carb based dinner before reading and bedtime.

Unfortunately Raine did not sleep well and this morning I woke up feeling restless and exhausted, so E has taken the kids to the gym and I haven't moved from my bed except to go to the toilet, seriously this bub is sitting right on my bladder!! I was given delicious fresh watermelon for breakfast and a coffee, and am reading (savoring) the latest Collective mag whilst contemplating how to change the world and increase the funds in my pocket.

I'm working on a very cool project and have actually found amazing people to help me get it done, this is nerve wracking AND exciting...so as always watch this space!!!!

With love, abundance and belief in the good of the world and having a miniature break every now and again - Sares 

Birthing Goddess

If there is any time I feel ok being selfish it's in labour. This is the only time ever that I truly feel entitled to the perfect care givers, to request complete attention, to have the right environment.

Like any other woman, I'm highly emotional during pregnancy. Forgetting things is especially hard for me as I pride myself on my memory and organizational skills. But I also kind of just carry on, I work right up until my babies come and I'm lucky that I can work or study from home when needed. Because I love my job and have created a space that is family friendly, returning to work isn't too hard either.

I'd have to say this is my healthiest pregnancy yet though also the busiest. The foods I've eaten are really nourishing, and I don't mind treating myself as needed. I've kept training CrossFit, at least 3x each week and as a result I keep beating my personal bests. My yoga practice has been far more consistent and daily, which has helped me push through my fears and doubt about my ability to carry on...to continue breastfeeding Raine, to continue mothering in a peaceful way, to continue working, to be present.

I have struggled with gaining weight and the shape changes in my body. But dry brushing and beautiful oils have cleansed and moisturized my skin. I am once again lucky to have gained weight steadily and still haven't got any stretch marks (counting my blessings where I can). It's hard not to fit into clothes properly and hard to find flattering day wear, lululemon has me covered for work and workout wear. I've been collecting beautiful clothing from Spell to wear during my labour and to relax in prior to Bubs arrival. Now all I require is new mala beads...which I have found and will save for after Bali. Meditating with mala beads is very helpful when you are a busy person!

Bali is coming up in four weeks and I am really looking forward to a blissful 9days as a family of four, this will be Eric and my first real holiday and the first time Raine has been overseas. We are staying in a lovely villa in Ubud and plan on tanning, yoga, working out and having a slow down time. I'm also really looking forward to spending time with my sis and brother in-law as they will be traveling for quite some time and they are very relaxing to be around (when one is also relaxed...haha, sometimes they are too chilled out!).

Yesterday I had an appointment with an OB, basically they confirm that the pregnancy is low risk and provide a referral to see my midwives. Our little baby appears to be breech (feet down) at the moment, meaning I will be paying particular attention to optimal fetal positioning over the coming weeks and spending time upside down to encourage the baby to pop his head in my pelvis and not his feet. 

Training will help in keeping bub at a manageable size and Eric is always my go to when I lose confidence in my ability to birth another baby. I've been really excited about the actual labour up until now when my nerves kick in! 

I have a few gorgeous clients and friends that are currently expecting their first/second babies and it is a pleasure to help prepare their bodies and mindset for healthy births and the fourth trimester. It's  definitely my passion to nurture women at this time, to inspire them to enjoy their experience in becoming a mother, to encourage a gentler approach to mothering on both baby and our environment. I'm sure that soon we will have a tribe of earth babies and crunchy Mummas ;) it is an honour to receive updates about tiny humans growing, to know when labour commences and be able to support when things don't go as planned. I love training prenatal women and providing a safe space for them to talk about their hopes and challenges.

At the same time I love coaching the boys and only squatting 30kgs less than them ;) it's been empowering to keep up and I think my return to CrossFit will be even smoother this time as we have such a supportive and encouraging community.

My mantra for the week:

"If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial.

If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked.

If you want to become full, let yourself become empty.

If you want to be given everything, give everything up."

- Tao te Ching