Because it's easier to write

The past 5.5months of newborn amazing-ness have flown. Seriously, I'm on the toilet now and quickly jotting this down!

Today we got up and had pancakes (it's "YES" day) then walked up Stephenson Falls in Marysville, making it back in time for coffee and Open Gym. From there we visited the brewery to celebrate our wonderful mate Drew's birthday and Hunter's first beer (not really but it was his first brewery!).

Home to eat dinner and prepare for the full on week ahead.

Our family is experiencing a rough time health wise, I don't see my sister because she's working and my other sister is still OS with her hubby. 

I have found an abnormal lump in my breast and will know more tomorrow. I've only really told a few of my close friends but being the type of person I am, it feels good to get it out on here. Yes I am worried, it's been three weeks and gotten bigger.

I cannot believe that my last baby is almost half a year old...I am sad and in denial and very sarcastic about it all. But I am an Aunty to baby Hunter and to Danielle's baby Brock, to Tanya's second babe, Baby Charlie and when I meet little Kai G too :)

Anyway, I read this today and it made me sad...http://minismama.com/2015/10/19/to-my-husband-after-ive-had-babies/

Because my purpose in life is to make women feel fucking amazing. I believe that with the right support no woman should ever feel ashamed of her body after carrying babies. There is no reason why a woman can't LOVE her body before, during and after becoming a mother. This is coming from someone who detested the way they looked for as long as I can remember. Pregnancy with River changed me...I learnt how to let go of the need to look like someone else. It was a looooong road. It's a road I still walk, because even now when I feel under pressure or tired, even now my inner voice still tells me I'm fat. The change is, I can silence that voice now...I can move on from that word and eat nourishing food. And because I spend time loving my body by eating well and exercising, my body looks better than it did before having babies.

It is a day after I started writing this, and I feel I may be all over the place. Today was a huge day of working but I crushed my parenting and my coaching and I did pretty darn well with my business too. I also managed to sneak in some Bowen therapy...I believe they call that winning!

Now I am snuggled up with Reef, my gorgeous fiancé is rinsing nappies (how glamorous)...I also think he's watching the Fronning doco, the man can occasionally multi task!

Today was the best vibe in the gym. Made some training breakthroughs and got to see some epic lifting. 

Tomorrow I am teaching mums and baby yoga at Kula, which I love doing. Then I will be having family time with a little friend...bring on the coffee and the fun.

Wishing you all health and happiness xx

My ordinary day

5.30am Reef needed to be changed and decided not to settle despite being breastfed for two hours (at least). Eric decided to take him to the WOD so I could sleep.

7.25am E walks in the door with a coffee and smiling Reef. He starts on breakfast while I get ready. We pack food and children into the car, yes, we actually had to wake River & Raine up (this hasn't happened in a long while).

8am I take a gorgeous small group of yogis through the best start to the day, Eric wraps Reef and trains his fave client and my Besty brings warm coffee...I am now double parked and high on life.

9am we prepare to take Raine to dancing but she refuses to put on clothes and both her and Riv need some chill out time.

The toddlers and I do some yoga from beautiful book "I am Yoga" a birthday gift from my gorgeous girlfriend.

We complete a dinosaur puzzle together on the floor in between work calls and finance organizing. 

11am Eric heads out to our local organic grocer to stock up for the next few days. The two big kids play outside and Reef and I spend some time smiling at each other. I make cup of tea and attempt to read magazine.

12pm We start the lunch process (E usually cooks, while I am breastfeeding). E also got Reef down while I got some washing on and social media done.

1.15pm River is finally dressed and the boys head off to an indoor play center. Raine needs a nap.

2.20pm Raine finally falls asleep after we have played peek-a-boo and "fish and chips" for over an hour. She's also breastfed at least half that time and I've taken two work calls.

2.40pm boys get home, breastfeed Reef and drink coffee planning out our night.

3pm Eric ducks out to get a new shelf for his clothes.

4pm I take Raine in the Tula and Riv on his scooter while I walk Marli (our lab).

4.45pm feeding Reef and running around to get to work.

5.10pm leave for work

5.30pm Eric coaches while I join in the WOD, my dad is watching the toddlers at the gym with us, E has Reef wrapped...and yes he did a baby wearing muscle up...

6.30pm I head home with the kids to get bath and bedtime started. E runs our last class of the day. He will either run home or get a lift.

7.20pm Reef asleep, start feeding Raine to sleep.

8pm E helps me get the kids into bed.

9pm wake up in kids bed still, then eat cake in own bed

Stress about everything that didn't get done and debate getting up to do it all.

In the night

The breath becomes shallow 

The hands start slight shake

Another day ending, yet

You're still awake

Tiny mouth finding nourishment 

Tiny hands take their hold

Still so new and innocent

To shape and to mould

Your brothers smile, 

your sisters skin

Daddy's nose and

Your mummies chin

Milky warmth beside us

As we lay down tonight

Time moving quickly

As if I cant hold tight

While the days might stretch long

And the years pass with speed

One day growing older

We won't be such a need

Through tears and exhaustion

Every noise cuts so deep

Sometimes nowhere near here

Till I find a little sleep

Tell me what you do all day

Our culture still demands

Well I lived a bit and loved a lot

Though we didn't finish plans

The chaos tries to break me

There's no order and no rule 

Soften your heart I tell myself

Yet that heart can be so cruel

Parenthood is a rocky climb

Hard to see forrest from the tree

In sweet moments I am one of us

In hard times it is just me

On and on and on I go

Forever finding the track

I am bound to four beloved

And I could not turn back

So my littlest, newest love

Pray, baby boy just know

You made my heart expand so wide

That I could never let you go

The only way is up

Woke up feeling a very lucky chick. When you have baby blues and anxiety it is hard to drag yourself out of the fog. When you have feeding issues with your little one, it is very hard to feel good about yourself. Yesterday was massive in terms of work load, I got home at 7.45pm and wanted to just crash...but Reef and I had a bath and skin to skin time, he is SO cute and really enjoys the time with just mummy (no phone, no siblings, no pressure). He's been feeding so much at night because he can't/won't latch during the day. So I finished off the finances and fell asleep with my love, feeling grateful for the care I have found in friends and the same message spoken "it's ok Sares, you are enough, keep going". 

This morning I woke up with my three little bed bugs and just felt positive, as if something is starting to shift (not just my teeth!).

Starting this weekend I have so much to look forward to, a community inter box comp, family play dates throughout August, a girls trip to the land of Queens to try on my wedding dress (I am equal parts excited and terrified of leaving the toddlers...), and of course the beginning of warmer days. 

We are proactive about our finances, and new systems to help our CrossFit gym grow, we are actually able to THINK about our business flourishing rather than being so reactive all the time, and we are reaching out for new experiences and challenging ourselves all the time.

There is also the miracle that, despite the winter drop off and feeling hopeless that our business could ever grow, we are surviving.

Today, my fiancé got up and ran a class for our amazing community...there were PBs and smiles all around. And that keeps you going. 

So this is just my little message of gratitude and excitement in waking up with a smile for the first time in a long time.

Peace, homies x

Baby Reef's first bottle

Yesterday Reef basically refused to feed. Over the last few months he sometimes fights me so hard you'd think I was trying to feed him poison from a knife rather than offer him a breast and cuddle. Yesterday was probably the worst it has been and he was so cross with us for not understanding what he needed. I was so stressed and because I have been so stressed my milk supply is low ish...or lower than its ever been.

Quick re cap: I had a GIGANTIC supply after River's birth and ended up donating my milk through HM4HB to several babies in need, most went to little Max and that was amazing (he had a tongue and or lip tie). I fed River for seven months after Raine was born and only noticed a drop in my supply during pregnancy. We gently and firmly weaned him.

After Raines birth I donated milk to a few babes again, including one special client of my midwife, a little boy with Down's syndrome. Raine hurt me once at around 16months and flat out refused feeds for a week, I was devastated, but I think she just didn't want to hurt me and then carried on as normal. I noticed that my supply was less than with River after the first month.

Again during my pregnancy with Reef, my supply dropped and then with the tongue and lip tie issues, the stress of running a business, toddlers and also the emotional aspect of Reef being the last baby...I wouldn't be able to pump now if I tried. For about a week after my milk "came in" I was OVER being soaked with milk, my breasts hurt and not even Raine could handle the let down...now I've actually had to use some help from lactation cookies and I am looking into some other herbs to help. 

The woman at the organic grocer told me to avoid citrus fruits (she also told me that we were hurting Reef's ears because he wasn't warm enough), but I didn't want or ask her opinion. Honestly I just felt like crying and giving up. I was even thinking in my head to put my own cry for help on HM4HB. Twice we tried to feed Reef some expressed milk and again he just wouldn't latch properly or for long, his little mouth was red and he was unsettled when awake. I can see why people give up breastfeeding. I can see how it might be easier to bottle feed. If I didn't know better I might think that my milk supply is too low to support a baby. But I waited and had brilliant support through it from E & Reef's God mumma. Sure enough, over night he fed well. His nappies were wet and he started to poo again. He has a runny nose but seems well otherwise. 

So Mummas, trust your bodies and trust your babies and find some great support, support that is gentle and kind. Block out the lady at the grocery store. Silence the feeling of failure. You got this.

Life for now

It's so different! On Monday we just realized I front squatted my body weight for a three rep max twice! The day before I hit two strict pull-ups and a few strict dips plus a clean & jerk complex at 45kgs. I had a baby 10weeks ago!

This makes me incredibly proud of the way I treat my body during what is actually a very difficult time for me and almost every other mum out there. One of the reasons I love CrossFit so much is that I literally have a whole community cheering for me, the same way I am elated whenever any single one of them achieves something. It is super encouraging and empowering.

There have been a few big changes going on in our business and personal life, we have added more yoga to our timetable and in doing this I have hired two teachers with the aim to hire a third. They are all lovely human beings that I feel lucky to have come across. The dreaded "winter drop off" and a stuff up by our debit company put us into a tail spin and sent us to some dark places, again wondering what the hell we are doing financially...why we are still working so damn hard for peanuts. I will admit it is HARD to stay positive about creating a successful business when you aren't a cnut (excuse my implied french...). No we won't rip people off or sell out, yes we will encourage health above any and all quick fixes. We recently saw an ex member fall into the god awful MLM trap...it's just so depressing. Eric said something rather profound; "the reason I can keep going is because I know that we will benefit every single person who comes into contact with us" we give them an opportunity to be their best self in an amazing community without judgement or fake promises. Sounds like a good reason to me ;)

Personally, I am getting braces next week...I can't really afford it, but I am quite insecure about my teeth, they have changed a lot due to overcrowding and while I used to love how my teeth were just a little bit interesting, I now don't like pictures of me/my teeth at all.

River is at a very interesting stage, often randomly displaying aggression like growling, and he's very possessive (that comes with the new baby and egocentric sister). I find him hard to relate to as he is such a little dude, loves superheroes and swords, but then I am fascinated by his imagination. Tonight before he fell asleep he said he wished that grass could turn into leaves in the wind so that we could throw grass into the air and then jump on the leaves. It's a cool age to be.

Raine tantrums all the time and is always SO loud. She can be the biggest shit stirrer ever but is the most hilarious little person I've ever seen. She is beautiful and so clever coming out with all kinds of conversation that you forget she's only just two years old. Toilet (un) training her has been challenging since Reef has come along.

More and more I have been finding myself "triggered" by the toddlers behaviour, they are both so loud and stubborn and at such intense ages that I feel frustrated, ignored and it often feels like they are so lovely to everyone else then can be really jerk-y to me and E. They don't listen which sometimes makes it hard to keep them safe, Raine will flat out refuse to go to the toilet and then wee in her pants just before I need to get everyone in the car, River will pull nasty faces at me or randomly scream out in the middle of us coaching, they will both demand for things all day and tantrum when they don't get their way. These are all perfectly normal and understandable toddler behaviours that to list seem inconsequential and minor...but it seems to trigger my anxiety, amplify my headache and stab an accusing finger at me to say I am failing. Because it is so hard to give your children all of your patience, then to also give your business the seeds of growth it needs, to attend to the learning that we must do daily to be fucking brilliant coaches, to keep the house clean, to see friends, to nurture your relationship, to plan a wedding, to aim higher still and start planning the direction of your life and chase larger goals and dreams. I feel so torn between my roles and wishing so desperately to succeed in them, that I neglect self care and compassion. Anxiety is truly crippling and often I feel trapped in my own search to be GREATER than I am, to get it together and just be happy in my achievements. To feel like I have achieved anything at all. Reef is so tiny still but growing just too fast and I wish I could stop time and keep him here, warm, milky, vulnerable and sweet, all mine. I am sad to think how much time has past since I held River the same way, I miss rubbing my swollen belly, full of life and purpose. This time in my life seems to move so fast that I often can't breathe.

So I am meditating more and finding small parts of myself again. I am more aware now of what it is that I need, even if it is still too hard to ask. I have been so scared of being selfish that I have neglected to look after myself and in doing so have put stress in our lives that we don't need. I am learning.

End of the weeks musings

After a particularly hard time we have been able to better respond to the kids needs through this week. It was still challenging, exhausting and quite frankly I wish I could run away to Bali for a while. If we didn't run a business, I would!

This week I was gifted a jar of morning goodness (granola) and it was SO tasty, I attempted to make more. Not being a quantitative kind of person I was throwing ingredients in and had a few sticky fingers helping out. The result was a stunning breakfast that just had TOO much coconut oil!

Not rocket science:

Oats, shredded coconut, sunflower seeds, dates, almonds, walnuts, maple syrup, coconut oil, cinnamon, nutmeg & topped with strawbs. I will be asking my aunt to dehydrate some strawbs to add in to the toasted tastiness and then I can top with frozen blueberries & almond milk (though bonsoy also tastes amazing).

During the week I had a big set back with my writing and it was the first time I've had to address whether or not I am a good writer. In primary school I won awards, and in high school received commendation and encouragement from most teachers, I've written a journal since I was 8, and at university was often asked to be more scientific and less creative/argumentative in assignments. 

However, most of my blogging is anecdotal, personal and quite frivolous. I have written a few articles for small magazines/internet sites and they took a long time because I wanted to get my facts right...ie I researched gut microbia to write an article explaining why introducing formula/food too soon changes little babies bodies. I also enjoy the sport of screen shotting bad grammar and "inspirational" posts, sending them to a few like minded friends...

So I decided to try contributing to a wellness/sport blog. And my little article was shut down. It sucks, I felt like a failure and I started to beat myself up...funny how moments later I decided I was a fugly whale and needed to eat less sugar (don't worry, breastfeeding a toddler and newborn set my eating back on track...like, in the next minute).

And then I read this:

Well, you can only imagine how I'm going to turn my "failure" around. Thank you all for reading 😘

xxx