An overdue blog on letting go

A few things have happened in my life recently that have made me realize how attached I am to certain outcomes, certain people and the past. I never realised that I was a hoarder until the past few weeks...after the random people invading our property and privacy a few weeks ago, I decided to clean out our garage...

I had FIVE giant containers filled with at least 50 shoe boxes of "memories". I had kept every birthday card ever given to me, every letter ever written, every special toy or gift or momento, along with complete random crap that I don't know why I ever kept in the first place. I have about 18 diaries starting from when I was 8 or 9. My current diary has been in use since my pregnancy with River...I don't get too much time to write to myself anymore.

Going through my life bought up a lot of emotions. I read words that made me sob my heart out. Reading about the little girl that missed her daddy, the girl that told herself in every entry over 3years that she was fat, stupid and had had no friends. Reading about a girl that couldn't figure out her place in the world, her role to play and didn't think she was good enough for anything. I read about the fun outings with my friend who is no longer here, the first love I ever truly had, the best friends I could have ever made. I read the pathetic words of a heartbroken young adult who should have never let a certain young man in her life. Read about being homeless, jobless and directionless. My life has been colorful and I am very grateful to have the words that tell my story from my perspective at each age. There are whole diaries I would never want my kids to read...especially the ones about boys! 

The funniest letters were from Tara and Hollie. It's easy to see why we became friends. The loveliest letters are from Sarah who is one of my oldest friends.

I had to throw out the love letters that I think I kept to validate that SOMEONE wanted me at some stage. I found this the hardest but most cleansing thing to do. Especially throwing out the letters from an ex husband. There was so much pain in letting go of those words. I don't know why. I am just accepting it. 

Now I keep the words written by my fiancé, because while there aren't many, I don't need a reminder of what was. I am living the love each day. I keep the words written by my friends, because they are funny and inspiring and remind me of happy times. I keep the pictures drawn by my own children. 

I won't let myself be defined by my past. There is a lot of hurt there, as I suppose there is for a lot of people. And while I may not have always been the happiest or most independent, while I may not have always been the best person I could have been, it is very clear that I always wanted to be, that I always tried.

The words in this blog won't mean very much to anyone really. Just like I suppose my opinions or thoughts on most things. If I can give my children any advice after looking over my life, it is just this: just be. Be who you are and be ok with it. It doesn't really matter how many friends you make, just that you are a good friend to those you have. It doesn't matter what you look like as long as you treat your body well, be kind to it and nourish it. It doesn't matter what happens to you, but it matters how you react (I promise I will do my best to protect you, give you the tools to value yourself and help you deal with your pain). It won't matter how many things you have...things don't last unless you hoard them around like baggage. What does matter? love matters, YOU matter.

The Third Trimester

We actively avoid telling anyone how many weeks we are or an EDD (estimated due date), this has taken a huge amount of pressure off me and my uterus, and I'm sure the little one is feeling the relief too. However in saying that, we had an appointment with our gorgeous midwife today who has measured my belly to be in line with the number of weeks, growing perfectly and with a steady strong heart beat and much movement. 

Today was odd, I was feeling restless and frustrated and just needed to not do any real work. Eric took the kids to the gym so I could relax for a bit this morning and then we did some retail therapy as Eric's shoes were falling apart and I needed workout clothes that actually fit me! 

From there we trekked to see our Midwife where we always feel at home, the sun started shining and things felt calm. This has been a big change in our house as the past few weeks(months?!) have been testing to say the least. My attitude has definitely softened towards undesirable behaviour though it's still easy to loose my cool if I don't have enough breathing space. After the appointment Eric headed off to training in Port Melb, our wonderful coach ran the show tonight which took a lot of pressure off. I was supposed to get a blood test but couldn't quite wrangle it with the kids alone (seriously, I have quite a needle phobia). So we made it to the health food store to grab breakfast items (coconut milk & pineapple), then took Marli for a walk and ate dinner with one of my oldest, closest friends. She's shaving her hair off soon in a fundraiser I shall link it to my facebook...Tara is just generally good company, a fellow vegan and very relaxed, which helped me whilst trying to get the kids to sleep.

Once they were finally out, Eric and I did some meal planning (stay tuned for something super exciting!!!) and he ran me a bath which I enjoyed whilst he put the nappies in the wash (definitely a keeper). I am now snuggled up in FRUUUSH bedsheets, there is no better feeling, with a cuppa and a great read 'gentle birth, gentle mothering'. 

My lulu's will get me through a big day of work and training tomorrow.

Just wanted you to know that if you HAVE been sending me good vibes that my peace wave has arrived. I am coping much better with the kids and myself, feeling more excited for the year before us and optimistic in general.

Many many thanks xx

Defining the life you want

Through this process I have really refined what I want in my life and defined the things that I really don't. Drama & negativity can walk right out of my door...peace, respect and positivity can stay. 

My latest self-development task is around being unattached to outcomes, having little expectations and desires about what people should be doing and staying positive that what is meant for me will find me.

It's important to continuously evolve as a person and truly be the person that you wish. At first, I've always rejected change, been fearful of it, played victim to it. It's going to be a long process but I think I'm able to handle it far better...the things I struggle with the most are friendships changing. I always feel like it's my fault if a relationship doesn't work out, yes I've been blamed a lot, but I think that is because I'm a little assertive and extremely open/trusting of people. The friendships I have forged since becoming a mother are those that have taught me the most about balance and having the right people around you. They have been the least superficial and the most equal of my life. 

The mothers group I've been a part of since River was little has been the best example that friendships thrive when not only do you have things in common, but when mutual respect is clear.

The friendships that have stayed strong through my separation and that have occurred or been strengthened through the last year are those that have given me the most joy and shown me that I can and should still trust people but that I also do not need to take anyone else's shit on board. That I really need friendships based on common interests and values.

Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my dear friends death and I always find Australia Day just that little bit hard. It is hard that pretty much the only person I had in my corner at 18 is not here to see me kick butt...hard that I didn't let his advice and confidence in me sink in until later. Ben was the kind of friend I've always needed, someone who was ambitious and cheeky, always in trouble, did everything too much and fighting his demons, though always honest and passionate and loving. He protected me and did silly Pilates DVDs with me, he let me do his hair, he was kind to my family. Don't think I will ever be ok that he isn't here, that the time he's been gone is far longer than the time in which we were friends. Just that I miss him.

This pregnancy and the stage my kids are at have required a new degree of flexibility and understanding in my relationships. It warms my heart that my children have great role models around them each day, kind people who live contentiously and with purpose. 

I've done a lot of work on letting go and am really able to see the best of the things in my past that could have destroyed me. I'm not bitter. There are plenty of things to still work on of course, adjusting to a totally different dynamic in my immediate family and then there is the pressure of financial strain. The business will always have obstacles too, but I don't think that is a bad thing. Eric and I are prepared to learn and to work hard. And I really don't feel like it will ever be as difficult as the last year was.

My prenatal and postnatal programs are nearly fully drafted and I'm confident that good things will come of them even as my life takes a different direction after babies.

So, onto this pregnancy...I'm almost in the third trimester which is rather thrilling, we can't wait to meet the little one!! At the same time I'm enjoying the fact that I don't have another one to chase just yet...

The weight gain is difficult and while I know it's so very different for everyone I seem to be carrying this little one all in my thighs and hips! So it makes me a tiny bit frustrated and cranky, makes me feel huge and cumbersome. If I miss a training session I can beat myself up a bit so I'm trying to practice more self love. 

Already, I feel extremely "nesty" and the state of our house is killing me...I cannot wait to do our yard up (even though we rent) and set the study up as a real office & baby's space.

Breastfeeding Raine is challenging as my boobs are very sensitive and feeding is painful at the best of times. I'm also feeling very ready for voluptuous boobs again!!!!

Things that I'd like to bring into my life (apart from boobs) are a little team of people that can help with my new business idea, and I've been able to be more social, so I'd really enjoy for a positive peace wave through our house which would enable us to live a little more smoothly. I'm trying to clear out the garage and removing clutter will help immensely. 

I'm breathing more, though definitely working on reacting more slowly to the kids, to stress and disappointment, to life in general. I'd like to be a bit more smooth myself...

In regards to getting hitched, I'd love to go north with a few amazing friends/family and celebrate new beginnings and strong foundations. By the way I have a wedding dress to sell...any takers??!

Anyways this blog is messy and all over the place....perhaps because I've been writing more in my journal?

Be happy, manifest the life you want...and plan your blogs before you waffle on! Xx

2015 Begins

It's always nice to reflect on the year that has been. Make a note of your achievements, your mistakes, the joy, the sadness and the life. So what did I achieve? I managed to complete my Yoga teacher training in Byron Bay whilst tandem feeding River & Raine. Eric, Nick & I transformed the grubbiest factories into an amazing CrossFit & Yoga studio, we held a successful pre-sale which had twenty new athletes in our doors from day dot. CrossFit Croydon has grown from strength to strength with intelligent programming, low injury rate, high retention rate and has given me the opportunity to make some of our dearest friends. We moved home twice. There were months where we had actually no idea where our next meal was coming from or how we would pay bills...and the generosity of family and friends saw us through (huge thanks in particular to my sis, Alex, to Nick, and to my besty Will).

We kept our heads up and have managed to run a successful box, finishing the year with twenty more members than we left in 2013...our dreams of taking a wage are closer each day! We fell pregnant again and have kept things running as smoothly as possible without letting exhaustion tear us apart. Finally, on Christmas Day, Eric proposed to me! In particular I am excited to marry the person who lifts me up when I can't and who allows me to support him as he needs. Our relationship is remarkable, we live and work together and are both full time parents...we manage to respect and love each other despite some rather irritating flaws (our vastly different OCD, time and money management and my pregnant self!). The conclusion of 2014 was perfect, spent in the company of my like-minded gal pal Sarah and a group of her very entertaining and down to earth friends. We counted down to midnight and I was kissed by my man and shared hugs with many. I feel like the year has been a huge success both personally and professionally and I am looking forward to a more consistent 2015.

Anyway....time for my confessions...I've discovered that I actually DONT love cooking. Eric practically makes every meal for the family, and as he's admitted he doesn't really enjoy it either I decided to step up my game. Things I DO like making: smoothies, kitchari, ribollita, salad, curry, vegan sausage rolls....that's about it. I love eating very simple food...happy to chip away at a watermelon and snack on vegetable sticks and nuts. Things might be different when we have a larger kitchen, so I am glad that I manage to keep our tiny space  clean and clutter free...in this, Baby Led Weaning had been our worst enemy!

Over half way through the pregnancy and I was shocked after new years to come back and see how big my tummy has grown! Today, I enjoyed a lovely homemade Bonsoy latte with coconut sugar for first breakfast, went to the box to run weightlifting & WOD with Eric sans children (my mum asked to babysit THANKYOU!!), ate watermelon with blueberries and a dash of lemon. Raine had her second feed of the day. We had a morning tea of organic sushi and rice paper rolls (I ate one sushi, bites of Rivs & half the rice roll) with a delicious kombutcha before heading down to the river with the dogs to see my beautiful friends Kylie & Isaac. Our dogs were becoming too hard to manage all together (4 dogs, 3 dominant & Marli the protector) so the swim was short but sweet. Raine had a big feed. Upon our return we ate pasta with tofu then Raine had a nap while Riv & I did some collaging and I made a "Manifestation Journal". Then I took Riv to my Aunts pool for a swim and we got supplies to make a hanging garden for Will's birthday tomorrow. We painted the cans we've been collecting and after a salad and nacho dinner, Eric put the kids to bed and I finished off the gift. Whilst I was outside & all grubby I did a little workout:

- weighted hamstring lifts

- banded squat walks with squats between

- strict press with DB

- attempted pistol squats but belly got in the way

- single leg DB deadlifts

Right now I'm enjoying a nice stretch whilst writing.

It's hard to say how much the kids have grown up...Raine came walking out of bed last night to ask for a glass of water. I'm amazed at them and completely baffled at the same time, they are very intense kids who love to play and ask a billion questions but who can throw a tantrum with the best of them. They love fiercely like their Mumma and feel things passionately too. I hope that River grows more calm like Nick and that Raine becomes more easy going like Eric. And I truly wonder what this little baby is going to be like, look like, sound like...how will baby number three change the game?! 

Exciting things ahead.

I've also decided for the moment that I want to stop personal training after baby comes...I'm feeling like the industry is heading in a different direction than I am interested. I will instead be focusing on writing, my prenatal and postpartum programs, developing my yoga and increasing my knowledge as a CrossFit coach.

With love, excitement and blessings xxx

Christmas Grinch

Seasons Greetings from the Christmas Grinch...me ;) 

Surprisingly I am more in a festive mood than previous years...I've wrapped all of the gifts beautifully

We have a mini tree. Our friends spoilt us rotten and really helped make us feel special. 

Today Eric trained at 6am, Raine woke for a feed as he was leaving, fell back asleep until 7ish. Poor Raine has a huge cold sore on her upper lip so we are trying to combat with lysine and tea tree.

We made our way to Nanna & Gaga's house for Christmas Eve breakfast and while everyone is a little full on, I'm super proud of how polite and gracious the kids are. In case you are new to this blog, my family avoids plastic, we have no plastic toys. We also avoid over-consumption and consumerism. So Christmas time we chose thoughtful and much needed gifts for fam to give the kids. 

When we got home the kids played with their new toys 

Making us lattes and cupcakes...mmmm and then Eric took Riv out while Raine had a nap. I took the opportunity to clean out the kids room and prepare space for the clothes they needed and ready the things for our new baby. I love putting away good quality clothing and toys for a baby. 

Tonight my mum has us over for Christmas dinner and we're spending this afternoon cleaning up the house and relaxing.

In terms of exercise, last week I managed five of the seven days at CrossFit Croydon, even getting the best time of one day (scaled for pregnancy). I'm having the week off training this week (just my own yoga practice and walking the dogs) and so far I feel great about the rest! Today we ate fresh organic fruit for breakfast, I had two weak lattes, Eric's amazing hash brown brunch and a mango smoothie for late lunch. I'm about to have a handful of almonds and we will head over to mums at 5.30pm for a vegan organic FEAST.

Tomorrow morning will be cool watching the kiddos open up their gifts (from me, NOT Santa thanks) and then hopefully having a breakfast feast with Nick & Amber.

For lunch we are going to healsville sanctuary with the Blyth side and then will see Papa Tony in the arvo/evening. I'm not particularly excited about having to see more than two people tomorrow and I think Boxing Day is going to be very hard, with River going to his Dad's family event. So I am tuning into my breath, focusing on my achievements this year and manifesting the things I desire for the year ahead.

There are many moments in the day I want to give up...the kids are SO LOUD and demanding. Breastfeeding is hard and painful. Communicating can be hard with a 1 & 3yo...I am so tired I find myself snapping a bit, when I have to repeat myself 25,000 times. There are times I don't think we will ever pay off the things we need to, there is much stress over making sure there is enough cash in our account for food. And I often feel as though I'm just not good enough...as an athlete, a coach, a business woman, a partner, a mum...a friend! 

This time of year actually seems to bring out the worst in some people...the stress and pressure of buying gifts out of obligation, of seeing people you don't have much in common with, of competing for your grand child's affection. It's bullshit. This is the time to show people that you love, that you love them (and no it doesn't have a monetary value), time to slow down and reflect/plan ahead, time to be present with people and ENJOY their company. But I don't feel like this is any different to the rest of the year...or it shouldn't be. Though I'm glad to have a few days off training and off work :)

Peace out festive fellows xx

Empire building from the kitchen table while Raine drinks the paintbrush water...

Today my children have driven me up the wall...as hilarious as they may be, I am exhausted and some days wish Eric or I had a "normal" job. With both kids interrupting phone calls, River falling off the kitchen chair that he fell asleep in, toilet untraining Raine and a too long To Do list...it's easy to get bogged down thinking I would like a cone of silence or a name change from "mummy". Fingers crossed some yoga and nourishing food will sort the day out...

So I didn't set aside time to train and had no meal plan. This is what today looked like:

7.30am 50 Squats mango & almond milk smoothie topped with half a passionfruit 

9.30am coffee

10.30am massage

11.30am piece delicious toast with fake cream cheese & tomato, a few almonds

12pm shoulder & scap stabalising, ankle work with theraband

1.15pm short walk with Raine in Ergo on back - to get her to sleep (success!!!!)

Cup of Pukka tea

2pm (ish) four buckwheat crackers with fake cream cheese, tomato and spinach

Cup of Pukka tea

6.30pm rice with stirfry of tofu, edame, broccoli, onion, carrot, zucchini, eggplant

7.50pm walk with Raine in ergo on front and half a GIANT Anzac cookie (yes it got in her hair)

8.30pm 20mins of yoga and static stretching

Cup of zen tea

Kids had the same as me minus the tea & coffee. They also had a vanilla cookie mid morning and Riv had oats for earlier breakfast and afternoon tea of PB crackers, cherries and cashews instead of the cream cheese crackers. Raine breast fed three times during the day but missed out on arvo tea due to her nap.

All of my meals today were vegan (stating the obvious), organic and very very tasty. The fake cream cheese is probably not the best to eat, it's the first time I've bought it and I wouldn't recommend eating it daily, but it was nice for a change and reminded me of meals from long ago!

The besty ended up coming over tonight and helping me cook tea. We live less than 1min from each other but haven't really hung out in a while, so it was nice to kind of catch up over a meal :) both the kids adore Will so there was lots of interruptions to the conversation.

Baby is kicking lots this week, it's starting to feel more real. I managed to pack away some gender neutral baby clothes and seperate boy and girl specific baby clothes in the cupboard. It was nice to get rid of a whole bag of clothes never worn by a bub too...I'm pretty fussy with how I dress the kids! 

Today made me realise just how much I COULD get done if I didn't have work...my house would be spotless and I'm sure the kids would have better "routine". But I love the fact that Eric and I are both working hard to provide for our family. And I'm glad I'm not on park duty everyday (one aspect of parenting I don't love is going to the park...). It would be hard to be a stay at home mum with River as he needs lots of stimulation...we painted and drew pictures and read books and built Lego and told silly stories to each other...but he also got a little crazy early and late in the day from not leaving the house. And for the record our tv is not hooked up to anything so I'm extremely proud we've avoided tv for the past 3.5years :)

Tomorrow I have work 6am-1pm and I plan on napping in the afternoon, finishing Christmas cards and cleaning up the kids room. I also plan on some article writing but I may leave that for Sunday. See? I am learning to balance things a tad more!

Lots of love & FAR better vibes ✌️

Almost half way

19 weeks down the "bumpy" road. Strange that I haven't yet given this bub a nickname...but Eric felt the little thing kick four times last night :) We have a scan in a weeks time just to make sure things are going well, I'm still experiencing nighttime nausea and have discovered I'm not immune to pelvic pain. Dancing this last week destroyed my poor pelvis but luckily my hips are still even and with a bit of glute stretching and yoga I'm feeling ok.

Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in and oh my am I going to soak that up...the kids have not been sleeping well lately, we've been super busy and I'm sure the stress rubs off on them. However, generally both kids have been awesome and River especially is very sweet with my tummy and the baby. Raine is so cheeky and hilarious though Elimination Communication has been disastrous in the last few weeks. I've literally just had shit everywhere...everyone else's shit to deal with!

Sometimes it's hard, I caught myself the other night wishing that someone else could just come and put the kids to sleep for us so Eric and I could finish our paperwork when not delerious with exhaustion. But I know it's worth it. Eric is putting the kids to bed now because I cannot peel myself off the couch after just weeks of not stopping. 

Our battle of the burbs inter house CrossFit comp between ourselves and Bayswater was a big success. The day ran very smooth and professionally. We had amazing vegan catering & coffee, our athletes were really great at encouraging their team mates and every competitor from Bayswater. The vibe was pumping! It's not easy to be the owners, operators, programmers and head coaches of 60 athletes...but I am pretty damn glad that we are. We know our athletes, we are good athletes ourselves (well, Eric is!), we're phenomenal coaches (if I do say so myself) and we're getting better at being business people...today really showed me that. We had one member recovering from ankle surgery and one with hamstring tendonitis in our 6am WOD, we had a new member in the 9am, and we had coachy join in with the 5.30pm crew after a minor back injury. To have these people come in and be able to smash out a workout despite individual limitations...this is what makes my heart sing! 

Dance concert on Friday night was pretty awful, I made a few mistakes and was generally feeling unwell...it really put me off. I nearly didn't go to be honest...and I really truly did not want to go on Sunday. But I did go and I did so much better in the Sunday show (the one that's filmed!) so I've finished the year...my fifth year at KADS, on a positive note and am looking forward to Raine starting next year! 

I was going to train today but I really am very tired after teaching yoga and think an early night is on the cards. Also got some wonderful kudos from a new yoga member that literally made my week :)

So tomorrow is a big day...a sleep in, crepe breakfast, training, Rivs swimming (get to wear new lulu bathers!), Santa photos and hanging out with the kids. Eric is working a late night so wish me luck with the kids!!!

Haha, I hope you're all feeling updated and happy. I'm just happy 2015 planning is nearly complete and that I'm using my KikiK 2015 diary.

Dream big and work hard xxx