Birthing Goddess

If there is any time I feel ok being selfish it's in labour. This is the only time ever that I truly feel entitled to the perfect care givers, to request complete attention, to have the right environment.

Like any other woman, I'm highly emotional during pregnancy. Forgetting things is especially hard for me as I pride myself on my memory and organizational skills. But I also kind of just carry on, I work right up until my babies come and I'm lucky that I can work or study from home when needed. Because I love my job and have created a space that is family friendly, returning to work isn't too hard either.

I'd have to say this is my healthiest pregnancy yet though also the busiest. The foods I've eaten are really nourishing, and I don't mind treating myself as needed. I've kept training CrossFit, at least 3x each week and as a result I keep beating my personal bests. My yoga practice has been far more consistent and daily, which has helped me push through my fears and doubt about my ability to carry on...to continue breastfeeding Raine, to continue mothering in a peaceful way, to continue working, to be present.

I have struggled with gaining weight and the shape changes in my body. But dry brushing and beautiful oils have cleansed and moisturized my skin. I am once again lucky to have gained weight steadily and still haven't got any stretch marks (counting my blessings where I can). It's hard not to fit into clothes properly and hard to find flattering day wear, lululemon has me covered for work and workout wear. I've been collecting beautiful clothing from Spell to wear during my labour and to relax in prior to Bubs arrival. Now all I require is new mala beads...which I have found and will save for after Bali. Meditating with mala beads is very helpful when you are a busy person!

Bali is coming up in four weeks and I am really looking forward to a blissful 9days as a family of four, this will be Eric and my first real holiday and the first time Raine has been overseas. We are staying in a lovely villa in Ubud and plan on tanning, yoga, working out and having a slow down time. I'm also really looking forward to spending time with my sis and brother in-law as they will be traveling for quite some time and they are very relaxing to be around (when one is also relaxed...haha, sometimes they are too chilled out!).

Yesterday I had an appointment with an OB, basically they confirm that the pregnancy is low risk and provide a referral to see my midwives. Our little baby appears to be breech (feet down) at the moment, meaning I will be paying particular attention to optimal fetal positioning over the coming weeks and spending time upside down to encourage the baby to pop his head in my pelvis and not his feet. 

Training will help in keeping bub at a manageable size and Eric is always my go to when I lose confidence in my ability to birth another baby. I've been really excited about the actual labour up until now when my nerves kick in! 

I have a few gorgeous clients and friends that are currently expecting their first/second babies and it is a pleasure to help prepare their bodies and mindset for healthy births and the fourth trimester. It's  definitely my passion to nurture women at this time, to inspire them to enjoy their experience in becoming a mother, to encourage a gentler approach to mothering on both baby and our environment. I'm sure that soon we will have a tribe of earth babies and crunchy Mummas ;) it is an honour to receive updates about tiny humans growing, to know when labour commences and be able to support when things don't go as planned. I love training prenatal women and providing a safe space for them to talk about their hopes and challenges.

At the same time I love coaching the boys and only squatting 30kgs less than them ;) it's been empowering to keep up and I think my return to CrossFit will be even smoother this time as we have such a supportive and encouraging community.

My mantra for the week:

"If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial.

If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked.

If you want to become full, let yourself become empty.

If you want to be given everything, give everything up."

- Tao te Ching

An overdue blog on letting go

A few things have happened in my life recently that have made me realize how attached I am to certain outcomes, certain people and the past. I never realised that I was a hoarder until the past few weeks...after the random people invading our property and privacy a few weeks ago, I decided to clean out our garage...

I had FIVE giant containers filled with at least 50 shoe boxes of "memories". I had kept every birthday card ever given to me, every letter ever written, every special toy or gift or momento, along with complete random crap that I don't know why I ever kept in the first place. I have about 18 diaries starting from when I was 8 or 9. My current diary has been in use since my pregnancy with River...I don't get too much time to write to myself anymore.

Going through my life bought up a lot of emotions. I read words that made me sob my heart out. Reading about the little girl that missed her daddy, the girl that told herself in every entry over 3years that she was fat, stupid and had had no friends. Reading about a girl that couldn't figure out her place in the world, her role to play and didn't think she was good enough for anything. I read about the fun outings with my friend who is no longer here, the first love I ever truly had, the best friends I could have ever made. I read the pathetic words of a heartbroken young adult who should have never let a certain young man in her life. Read about being homeless, jobless and directionless. My life has been colorful and I am very grateful to have the words that tell my story from my perspective at each age. There are whole diaries I would never want my kids to read...especially the ones about boys! 

The funniest letters were from Tara and Hollie. It's easy to see why we became friends. The loveliest letters are from Sarah who is one of my oldest friends.

I had to throw out the love letters that I think I kept to validate that SOMEONE wanted me at some stage. I found this the hardest but most cleansing thing to do. Especially throwing out the letters from an ex husband. There was so much pain in letting go of those words. I don't know why. I am just accepting it. 

Now I keep the words written by my fiancé, because while there aren't many, I don't need a reminder of what was. I am living the love each day. I keep the words written by my friends, because they are funny and inspiring and remind me of happy times. I keep the pictures drawn by my own children. 

I won't let myself be defined by my past. There is a lot of hurt there, as I suppose there is for a lot of people. And while I may not have always been the happiest or most independent, while I may not have always been the best person I could have been, it is very clear that I always wanted to be, that I always tried.

The words in this blog won't mean very much to anyone really. Just like I suppose my opinions or thoughts on most things. If I can give my children any advice after looking over my life, it is just this: just be. Be who you are and be ok with it. It doesn't really matter how many friends you make, just that you are a good friend to those you have. It doesn't matter what you look like as long as you treat your body well, be kind to it and nourish it. It doesn't matter what happens to you, but it matters how you react (I promise I will do my best to protect you, give you the tools to value yourself and help you deal with your pain). It won't matter how many things you have...things don't last unless you hoard them around like baggage. What does matter? love matters, YOU matter.

The Third Trimester

We actively avoid telling anyone how many weeks we are or an EDD (estimated due date), this has taken a huge amount of pressure off me and my uterus, and I'm sure the little one is feeling the relief too. However in saying that, we had an appointment with our gorgeous midwife today who has measured my belly to be in line with the number of weeks, growing perfectly and with a steady strong heart beat and much movement. 

Today was odd, I was feeling restless and frustrated and just needed to not do any real work. Eric took the kids to the gym so I could relax for a bit this morning and then we did some retail therapy as Eric's shoes were falling apart and I needed workout clothes that actually fit me! 

From there we trekked to see our Midwife where we always feel at home, the sun started shining and things felt calm. This has been a big change in our house as the past few weeks(months?!) have been testing to say the least. My attitude has definitely softened towards undesirable behaviour though it's still easy to loose my cool if I don't have enough breathing space. After the appointment Eric headed off to training in Port Melb, our wonderful coach ran the show tonight which took a lot of pressure off. I was supposed to get a blood test but couldn't quite wrangle it with the kids alone (seriously, I have quite a needle phobia). So we made it to the health food store to grab breakfast items (coconut milk & pineapple), then took Marli for a walk and ate dinner with one of my oldest, closest friends. She's shaving her hair off soon in a fundraiser I shall link it to my facebook...Tara is just generally good company, a fellow vegan and very relaxed, which helped me whilst trying to get the kids to sleep.

Once they were finally out, Eric and I did some meal planning (stay tuned for something super exciting!!!) and he ran me a bath which I enjoyed whilst he put the nappies in the wash (definitely a keeper). I am now snuggled up in FRUUUSH bedsheets, there is no better feeling, with a cuppa and a great read 'gentle birth, gentle mothering'. 

My lulu's will get me through a big day of work and training tomorrow.

Just wanted you to know that if you HAVE been sending me good vibes that my peace wave has arrived. I am coping much better with the kids and myself, feeling more excited for the year before us and optimistic in general.

Many many thanks xx